[Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018)

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Krulle
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse

Post by Krulle »

SpoilerShow
dragoongfa wrote:Chapter 1, part 1

“My shift was about done and the Lashret thought that I should handle this. What am I needed for?” Beruyl replied.

[...]

She followed the Teidar’s mental signature in order to find them at packed the shuttle bay, she half expected for a crowd to had have formed around their little group but the Teidar must have convinced those curious to go back to their jobs. The redhead warrior was standing over the two Doranzers who were kneeling over the armored and unconscious alien.

[...]

“Its face looks like a Loroi’s but it is pinkish… Yes (Yet?) I see some read red or real? blood and… that must be facial hair!” Beryl sent her thoughts without thinking.

[...]

“Yes.” Beryl agreed as she examined the hologram. “This must be some short of emergency system to help a medic, pretty advanced if they managed to fit everything that it needs in a personal armor.”

[...]

“I wonder what this is…” Beryl thought as she reached out towards a small holographic rectangle that just floated above the skeleton, as she was about to touch it the small rectangle expanded into a small holographic screen that turned and floated at half an arm’s length in front of her. “Very advanced… This must be some short of control panel.”

[...]

“This is Pallan Fireblade. The Doranzers need to get the alien the alien to the medical bay and it seems unarmed.” It was one of the few times Beryl heard the Teidar speak, she had a nicely pitched and steady voice that didn’t betray her character at all. “Affirmative. I will stay with them at all times.”
dragoongfa wrote:Chapter 1, part 2

[...]

“Is the alien healed?” She asked as she observed the naked alien that laid motionless of the regenerator’s bed. It was obviously a male, with blonde hair that were accompanied by relatively short facial hair of the same color; it or he was well muscled when compared to a Loroi warrior and even hard some sparse body hair. It looked uncomfortably like a Loroi male, if not for the height, the body color and the facial and body hair.

[...]

“I have no choisce then, all of you raise your mental defenses; if he doesn’t wake up after I focus on him, he never will.” She warned the others before dropping her mental barriers and concentrating on the alien. She sensed the two Doranzers and the Listels as they overlapped their subconscious mental barriers with conscious ones and couldn’t help but smile when she sensed their realization that they would have to do more to keep her out. Everyone knew that she was a very strong telepath but few ever realized how strong she really was, the three of them and the others who were close enough would now appreciate the effort she put in making sure to control herself. It was true that she never could shut her mind completely off, annoying those that were sensitive about such matters, but such small leaks could never compare with the strength she now let loose. Thankfully the alien obliged her with a response and begun squirming after a few solons.

[...]

“Yes, I can understand you.” Tthe alien replied as he stretched his neck to look at his naked body.
I see that you often start with a capital letter after someone said something. But the sentence continues, therefore it should not be capitalised, except for names and titles... (too keep this short, I will try to refrain from pointing out more of these instances)

“Ah, very good! Are you undamaged? Can you breath acceptably?” Tthe Tozet asked.

[...]
Do you want me to go over the Confederation backstory as well?
Just started reading. Will refrain from commenting the content until I've read through the thread. But marking other comments right away. ;)

So far, I like it... (although not a fan of "Humanity, fuck yeah!" either. And I've heard the name Cthulu, but have never read of those stories (yet). I will patiently wait where this will go.)
Vote for Outsider on TWC: Image
charred steppes, borders of territories: page 59,
jump-map of local stars: page 121, larger map in Loroi: page 118,
System view Leido Crossroads: page 123, after the battle page 195

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dragoongfa
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Location: Athens, Greece

Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)

Post by dragoongfa »

Chapter 1, part 3

For all her mental training Mizol Parat Tempo still needed to be alone, calm herself down and think of how to proceed. She knew that to remain angry at the Lashret was both futile and foolish. Yes the Lashret did make sure that she wouldn’t be alerted about Tempest’s find, yes she did try to use her field command authority in an attempt to get results and yes she got very close in starting another war with a species that for all intents and purposes completely outclassed them technologically; yet Tempo knew that she was the one to blame. She was positioned on Tempest to make sure that Stillstorm behaved one way or the other; she was the one who failed in this duty and the Union was very close in paying the price of this failure.

She sighed and rubbed her forehead in resignation, as a Mizol she knew that letting such strong sentiments dictate her next actions was a disaster waiting to happen. She needed to take control of the situation fast and diffuse the situation before anyone else could make another mistake. She forcefully emptied her mind and leaned back on her chair as she brought back what they had learned about the alien, this Senator Alexander Jardin of the Terran Confederation.

He was a telepath and a telekinetic with some form of a Lotai which was the most troubling. It is possible that the Terran Confederation is behind the new found Shell Lotai or it could be just a coincidence, this they could not prove one way or the other; what they did know was that the Confederation completely outclassed them technologically. The advanced armor alone could be explained as looted Historian tech but the ship they found right after she came out of the Farseer’s compartment could not be discounted so easily.

Even dead it was obvious that it was far more advanced that even the Historian ships they had observed in the past; it must have taken dozens of plasma focus hits and antimatter torpedoes and yet it was still there, with many compartments and decks open to space but still in one piece. The search teams failed to find any other human aboard, which meant that either the alien was alone or someone else had already come and taken the rest; and in this case that someone would have to be yet another unknown party as the Shells would have fought to keep the wreck while the Confederation would remain in place and ask for their Senator. Senator Jardin had to be alone on the ship, a fully automated ship was beyond the Union’s tech level but the Confederation was obviously able to do that much with ease. This near certainty wasn’t the most shocking discovery of the search teams, that was how familiar and yet alien everything was to them.

Everything seemed to be at the right place and height for a Loroi to use and they even run across several small trinkets that one would think were made by a Loroi for a Loroi. Then there was the unknown artifacts whose design looked like they were meant to be used by someone like them but they couldn’t begin to comprehend their purpose.

If the alien being a telekinetic wasn’t enough to convince some about his stated origin then a ship as advanced as this should convince everyone but those who will argue just for the sake of arguing. She had to accept that this wasn’t a Shell trick which meant that she would have to work this as a complicated first contact scenario, or as close as it can get if what the alien said was true; something that is most likely the case if she was to judge by his knowledge of Loroi castes and the fact that his Loroi trade was flawless.

The question then revolves around how much does the Confederation know about the Union?

He admitted that their telepathic and telekinetic disciplines weren’t anywhere near the level of theirs, something that makes sense if the Soians had cut off their telepathy and telekinesis in their stone age. The telepathic traditions the Loroi draw from, date from the fall of the Soians till now and that was a gap in abilities that could not be covered even in millennia. Perhaps this would allow them to come in some short of agreement with the Confederation; trading technology for telepathic and telekinetic expertise could help the Union immensely in this war and it would certainly help after its end.

He knew about Tempest and Stillstorm’s reputation, castaways and rescued prisoners of war could provide such information, especially if there was a Mizol who was up to date among them. In such case she would have to work with the assumption that the Loroi the Confederation has in their ‘care’ have given up that information freely as even the Shells have trouble extracting information from prisoners through torture. Telepathic interrogation was of course a real possibility but that would mean that their telepathic abilities are at least up to par with theirs. She would have to stay alert and find a way to determine the true extent of humanity’s telepathic expertise but in any case she would have to work with the best case scenario that the Loroi ‘guests’ gave up the information willingly after being ‘impressed’ by ‘human hospitality and technology’. In any other instance these Loroi would be guilty of treason but if the Confederation is friendly to the Loroi then a release of non-vital information could be tolerated as an attempt to foster a possible Union-Confederation alliance against the Hierarchy.

He also knew that Emperor Greywind is currently at Seren, which is privileged and concurrent information that random castaways and prisoners of war had no way of knowing. He also claimed that the Confederation has some form of an outpost at the Charred Steppes near Seren, if they are able to do that without letting themselves be known then it’s a real possibility that they have already established numerous intelligence outposts across the front line, they should be able to learn a lot through such a network but it must have plenty of holes if one of their ships run into the middle of a Shell fleet in such a way. Thinking about it she found it hard to believe that a lone ‘Senator’ would be without a military escort in such a mission. It could be because of stupid overconfidence due to their technology but such overconfidence contrasted with the possibility of an expanded intelligence network throughout the border and his claim that the Confederation has been ‘rescuing’ Loroi for a Tozon. The later two betray a meticulous observation and preparation effort before moving forward, something that is not compatible at all with such blatant overconfidence. She would have to find a way to ask him about this. Thankfully physics negate the possibility of them having outposts inside the Union, even with a Lotai their hyperspace jumps would be easily detected while their ships would be detected visually with ease.

His claim that their territory is beyond the Great Wasteland does make sense as to why their species hadn’t come in contact before now; if she remembered correctly the furthest exploration endeavor inside the Great Wasteland barely went past 40 light Tozons from their current border. It is a fact that the Great Wasteland is comprised solely on metal poor star systems and as thus the entire area is unsuitable for any kind of exploitation. If this was the case from their side then they would have to expand wherever the metal rich star systems were, that’s how the Loroi historically expanded on their side of the Great Wasteland at least.

Tempo had to force herself to accept what the alien said about humanity being their template species; not because she was convinced of that but because of the repercussions such a fact would have on the Union as a whole. It was easily deductible from what the alien said that his species aren’t Soians and that they did not appreciate what the Soians did to them so long ago. His claim that the Lotai was an advanced adaptation of the mechanism put in place by the Soians could not be verified in any way but she knew that no Loroi would ever look kindly to the ones who would take their telepathy away. She still found it odd that he would keep the Lotai up but considering the situation he has found himself in, such a measure is understandable; there is also the possibility of it being a cultural thing.

His accusation against the Historians had to be considered as well; they were nominally allies to the Union and have already provided critical aid but their secretive nature always raised a lot of questions about their agenda.

She sighed again and tried to formulate a plan before realizing that the alien willingly gave all this information to them. For all her bravado and pride Stillstorm would back down after the telekinetic demonstration from his part; no Loroi is stupid enough to endanger the first contact with another telepathic and telekinetic species in such a way, they all crave to find someone like them out there and Stillstorm is old enough to remember a peaceful time when being the ones to find other telepaths was a wish that all starfaring Loroi had in their minds.

He could be just playing it safe or even not see any value at all to the information he divulged; there was also the third possibility of him willingly giving them all this in order to even their respective diplomatic positions. If this was the case it would be because he truly felt appreciation for being saved and wanted them to be at ease with such knowledge, an understandable ploy considering the physical similarity and the Lotai. In any case Tempo wondered if it was possible to get him talking again. She needed to know more about them, no; the Union as a whole needed to know more about this species that could be more advanced than even the Historians.

She also had to make up for Stillstorm’s earlier folly, which meant that she couldn’t delay in recognizing the alien as a diplomat. There was no way for them to know if he really is a Senator as he claims to be but the possibility of angering the Confederation of his was unacceptable at the least, nightmarish at the worse. Without any evidence and beyond all reason she hoped that their intentions were peaceful. The Union must not make any more enemies if the Loroi are to survive as a species.

Chapter 2, part 1: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/vie ... 485#p23485
Last edited by Guest on Sat Apr 02, 2016 10:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Krulle
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/22/2016)

Post by Krulle »

.... Not much to say, besides I like it.
This is a part bridging, not much happened, except for Alexander to be recognised as diplomat (although the act must still happen).
Vote for Outsider on TWC: Image
charred steppes, borders of territories: page 59,
jump-map of local stars: page 121, larger map in Loroi: page 118,
System view Leido Crossroads: page 123, after the battle page 195

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dragoongfa
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/22/2016)

Post by dragoongfa »

Chapter 2, part 1

Listel Tozet Beryl felt overwhelmed by the weird mix of anxious glee and the feeling of inadequacy as she held the ‘vest’ that used to be the armor that the human wore when they found him. No one who examined it could discern anything about it, it felt and looked like an ordinary cloth vest while there was no hint at all of the mechanism that turned that armor into the unseemly vest she now held.

“Focus Listel!” Teidar Pallan Fireblade sent with an austere undertone.

“Yes, I am sorry.”

“So none of you have any idea how that thing works?” The Teidar asked.

“It’s too far beyond us…” Beryl replied instantly. “We have no idea about anything about it; perhaps we would be able to discern something with specialized scientific equipment but nothing we have was of any use to us.”

“And we are going to give it back to the human because of that damn Mizol…” Fireblade replied.

“It’s nothing compared with what the salvage teams brought back from the derelict!” Beryl added, oblivious to the hostility Fireblade held for the Mizol.

“And you are all certain that there was no other crew on that ship?” Fireblade asked as they passed the killzone that separated the brig from the rest of the ship.

“It’s the only plausible explanation other than someone picking them up without staying put, everyone we know would stay once they realized how technologically advanced that ship is.” Beryl replied.

“And because of that we are now doing what the Mizol told us to do, are you transmitting everything to her already?”

“Yes, she will hear everything we say while observing us with the surveillance system.” Beryl confirmed as the reached the human’s cell.

“Alright then, let’s get this over with.” Fireblade broadcasted to draw the attention of the Soroin guard who kept monitoring the video feed from inside the cell as if her life was depending on it. The Soroin stepped aside relieved as Beryl took her place in observing their ‘guest’, who looked like he was taking a nap on the sleeping mat while covered on the sheet that he used as clothing while he was moved from the medical bay.

“Attention, the door will open. Do not approach it.” Beryl said and the cell’s loudspeakers instantly passed the message inside. Fireblade let out an audible sigh before composing herself in order to take an aggressive demeanor as the door slowly slid upwards, leaving Beryl to observe the human who turned to look at the opening door with an expression that could only be described as annoyed grogginess. Beryl could sense that the Teidar was ready for anything as she stepped through the open door, the human lazily stood up and eyed her closely before speaking.

“Hello Teidar Pallan.”

“Listel it’s your turn.” The Teidar sent and slightly turned her head towards her in order to subtly pass the message of who would do the talking.

“Greetings, Senator Alexander Jardin.” Beryl said as she stepped forward. “I am pleased to see you again.”

“I am pleased to see you too Listel Tozet.” The human replied and looked at the vest she was holding.

“I have been directed to return your armor to you, it has not been tinkered with.” Beryl said as she offered the vest to him.

“Thanks, I would hate to have to keep using the sheet to cover myself.” The human replied as he took it and examined it.

“I have also been directed to inform you that we have found the remains of an unknown ship, tell me, was your ship silver in color with red markings?”

“Yes, that should be my personal runner.”

“Your personal runner?” Beryl asked.

“Yes, it’s a class of fully automated ships; used for the quick transportation of various high ranking officians. Its autopilot must have malfunctioned and I ended up waking up with it taking fire.” Senator Jardin explained.

“I understand, I have also been instructed to bring you to the ship’s diplomatic officer. She wants to meet you as soon as possible in order to clear up any and all misunderstandings.” Beryl explained exactly as the Mizol instructed her.

“Of course, I have been looking forward to have a talk with the ranking Mizol.” He replied as he put on the vest as if it was just a piece of ordinary clothing. After zipping it up he waited for something to happen for a few solons before his expression turned into one of annoyance. “Should have expected this…”

“Is something wrong?” Beryl asked trying to hold back her alarm.

“Its charge must have run out, its battery lasts for about 3 nanapis but I didn’t charge it in a while and its emergency mode must have drained the remaining charge.” He replied before punching himself to the chest. The vest reacted instantly and the grey metallic liquid poured out of it again and quickly enveloped the human before turning itself into a black suit of armor.

“And you have no idea how that thing works?”
Fireblade asked, her mind betraying the anxiety the Teidar felt as she tried to push back the thought of the human’s armor turning into some form of weapon.

“No Teidar.”
Beryl admitted.

“That should do for now.” Senator Jardin said as he cursorily examined himself.

“You said that its battery had run out.” Beryl commented the moment he looked at her.

“It did but it has an emergency charge built in for a single transformation into a light armor in case of an emergency.” He replied and frowned. “Is there a possibility of me getting access to a small energy source in order to charge it?” Beryl instantly turned to the Teidar who was obviously torn between overriding the Mizol’s orders for the safety of the ship or going along with them in the hopes that the Mizol was right in this case.

“Offer something that doesn’t let out a lot of energy and cannot be used as a weapon.” She sent Beryl after some thought.

“I understand.” The Listel replied with some relief and turned to face the human again.

“We have small shipstone class batteries to power emergency equipment in case of a power outage by allowing only a set amount of energy out, would such a battery suffice?” Beryl asked the alien.

“That wouldn’t be ideal but it should allow me to change the outfit to something more presentable.”

“I will inform someone to bring us one.” Beryl replied. “Soroin Passet Cloud, bring us a standard issue emergency shipstone battery. We will meet you at the elevator.” She sent to the Soroin Passet that the Mizol had assigned to them as a go getter.

“Affirmative.”

“Now if you please follow…”

“In case you forgot Listel, I am not going to do any talking for him.” Fireblade scolded her telepathically.

“Ah, yes… of course please allow me…” She replied to the Teidar vocally out of reflex, drawing a chuckle from the human as if he had understood the blunder. “This is Teidar Pallan Leinnol; her spoken name means Fireblade. Correct me if I am wrong but we have gathered from earlier that you are familiar with the duties of her caste.”

“Yes, the Unsheathed. Exemplar telepathic and telekinetic warriors who are also known to not speak any falsehoods. Judging by the size of her amplifier and the fact that I haven’t seen her with a sidearm, Pallan Fireblade must be someone who is very confident in her abilities and has been tasked to make sure I behave myself.”

“Smart alien isn’t he?” Fireblade sent with obvious amusement.

“Yes… that is correct… she directs me to…”

“The charade that the Mizol put you up to is too obvious…” Senator Jardin interrupted her. “Pallan Fireblade doesn’t have to worry for my part, I will not use telepathy or telekinesis without her permission and in turn she doesn’t have to present herself as overly intimidating in order to make you look friendlier.”

“Certainly smarter than the Mizol…” Fireblade commented.

“I am sorry for…”

“Don’t worry Tozet Beryl, I will answer the questions you have to the best of my abilities.”

“That’s great!” She cried out excitedly.

“Control yourself Listel.”

“Sorry.”


“Now if you please follow me.” Beryl said as she walked out of the cell. “Tell me Senator Jardin are you feeling well?” She asked him after greeting the Soroin guard who looked at his armor in disbelief.

“Yes I am fine, I am a little hungry though.”

“We will find you something digestible after the interview.”

“I will provide a list of what I can eat once that’s done.”

“Of course.” Beryl replied and decided to ask the very first thing that came to her as the first airlock of the kill zone opened in front of them. “Is it common for human males to be politicians and fighters?” He laughed at that.

“I am sorry, I didn’t expect that to be your first question.”

“That makes two of us.” Fireblade commented.

“I…”

“Don’t worry; it’s a good question that was bound to be asked. Traditionally the vast majority of human fighters are male and that has translated to a large majority of male politicians as well.”

“This seems to be surprising, we appear very similar but there must be significant behavioral differences.”

“You have no idea…” The Senator commented.

“What do you mean?”

“You will find out soon enough but for now I will start by mentioning that the use of ‘seems’ when saying a certainty could be interpreted as rude. I know that it is a polite form because Loroi don’t trust vocal speech as must as you do Sanzai but I would appreciate it if you were as direct at me as you are to your comrades.” Senator Jardin explained as the killzone’s exit airlock opened.

“I understand, I will try to be less polite. What I meant by differences is that only one in eight Loroi is male so they have been traditionally protected. We consider the large ratio of females to males to be a basic adaptation for a warrior species, to allow maximum reproduction capability while still being able to control population growth through restriction of… access to males. This is not the case with humanity? What is your ratio of females to males?” Beryl replied.

“About half and half, slightly more males are naturally born but we males have a slightly higher attrition rate and have a shorter lifespan due to our lifestyle.”

“Only half of your population can reproduce?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“You have found this ratio acceptable to your needs?”

“You have to bear in mind that humans are a natural species, we evolved around this ratio. Human males are physically tougher and sturdier and are expected to provide manual labor and fulfill all dangerous tasks that life requires, in contrast human females are expected to take care of themselves in order to be at the best possible health when they give birth and raise their young.” The Senator explained.

“That’s different but I think I understand.”

“Also bear in mind that due to this ratio we humans form pair bonds between one male and one female both of whom come together in order to raise a family.” Senator Jardin continued.

“One for one, yes that is reasonable.” Beryl admitted.

“Okay then, next question.”

“Remember what the Mizol wants to know.” Fireblade reminded her.

“Yes… we Loroi find spoken words awkward so we find it odd that you choose not to use Sanzai.” Beryl asked.

“That’s a good one, with a simple enough answer. We humans don’t like to have our thoughts read by those around us, it’s kind of similar to Loroi reluctance to touch others.” Senator Jardin explained.

“But Sanzai and touching are totally different.”

“For you but we humans consider our privacy of thought as paramount. Because of this we use Sanzai and telepathic touching only with those who are really close and dear to us. For everyone else we have a huge variety of touching traditions and we have developed the habit to think out loud.” She couldn’t help but burst out in laughter at that.

“Very good joke, that’s very funny.”

“I know but it is still the truth.” The airlock that lead to the intersection that oversaw the hangar opened in front of them at that moment, revealing Tenoins Talon and Spiral who were walking towards the elevator which would take them down there. Senator Jardin greeted them as they passed by.

“That’s the alien male? Is he a warrior?” Talon asked as both she and Spiral looked back at their odd group.

“Yes Tenoin and he told us that he was a warrior before becoming a politician.” Beryl replied to them before gesturing to the Senator. “This way Senator.”

“You said that your Lotai is an advanced adaptation of the mechanism that the Soians put in place in order to lock your telepathy and telekinesis away.”

“Yes that’s correct.” He confirmed.

“Why would they do that?”

“Mainly because they thought that our stone age ancestors were some sort of threat to them.” Senator Jardin replied. “However they did find it prudent to exploit our talents leading to your creation.”

“Are you certain of this claim?”

“Yes.” He replied and smiled when their small group reached the elevator where Soroin Passet Cloud was waiting.

“An emergency shipstone battery.” Beryl announced as she gestured to the Soroin novice.

“Thanks, that was fast.” He replied and took the small battery from Cloud.

“That’s the alien male? Its face is hairy and it is wearing an armor!” Cloud commented and almost drew a chuckle from both Beryl and Fireblade.

“Yes Passet, we know.”


“Will it suffice?” Beryl asked after calling the elevator that would take them to the crew quarters level.

“It should…” He replied as he examined it closely.

“If everyone we pass by asks if this is the alien male I am going to get a headache.” Beryl sent to the Teidar.

“Give thanks that the Soroin guards didn’t send anything at you.”

“Can you at least announce him so the others don’t get startled?” Beryl asked.

“I will but only because that joke was funny.”

“Positive…Negative…yes this should do nicely.” Senator Jardin said and pressed the small battery on the chest of armor, the metal seemingly coming to life and enveloping it after a few moments.

“That armor gets creepier by the Solon.”
Fireblade commented.

“Does it work?” Beryl asked.

“Yes but it needs to draw a charge for a couple of Bima in order to function.” He replied as the elevator’s doors opened.

“Your technology seems to be very advanced from what we observed from your armor and your ship.” Beryl commented as they entered.

“You could say that, by your measurements we are currently at the cusp of tech level 14 and this suit represents the first generation of smart material clothing.” He explained taking her by surprise.

“What’s our tech level Listel?” Fireblade asked out of curiosity.

“Early 11. The Historians should be mid to late 12.” Beryl replied as she formulated a vocal reply. “That would make your species the most advanced race we have come across until now.”

“We have gathered as much in the two tozons we have been in contact with other sentients.”

“Your very first contact was just two tozons ago?” Beryl asked in disbelief.

“Yes, it was a freighter full of refugees from a race that the Hierarchy violently subjugated.” Senator Jardin replied and paused as if in thought. “However we had concrete evidence of other sentient life from the defunct Soian labs we discovered a couple of decades ago but this doesn mean that first contact wasn’t a shock to our society.” The elevator came to a halt at the crew quarters deck , snapping Beryl from her dumbfoundness which made her ask the very first question that came to her mind.

“Soian labs?”

“Yes, they were meticulously hidden at the empty space between starsystems near our homeworld. The investigation is still ongoing but we have gathered enough evidence and data to conclude that the labs in question are the place where the first iterations of your species were created by the Soians.”

“This way Senator.” Beryl managed to say despite her shock as she lead him to the Mizol’s cabin. “As a Listel I… know that many of my Elders would like to have access to… these labs and the data you have recovered.”

“That’s reasonable and something that can be arranged after certain measures are taken. For obvious reasons we are keeping the area and the artifacts recovered under close guard.”

“If I may ask… do you have an estimate of what the Soian tech level was? From the labs and the artifacts you have uncovered?” Beryl asked, fully believing that he would refuse to answer that.

“Somewhere between late 15 and early 16 is the current estimate of the scientists who are studying everything.” He replied and smiled when he saw her expression. “Yes, even the most advanced race in the local bubble is still primitive when compared to the empire that fell so long ago.”

Chapter 2, part 2: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/vie ... 615#p23615
Last edited by Guest on Wed Apr 13, 2016 2:08 am, edited 2 times in total.

Tamri
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by Tamri »

Okay, transitional part was over, the story went back. And I have several questions arose:

1) Where is the conflict itself? Judging by the text, I have the distinct feeling that there is a group of old friends gathered telling bearded jokes. Lorai react uniquely strange. As psychology say, the first reaction is to something thorough doesn't fit into an established view of the world - denial. Where is it we have here? Nowhere. All around seeing Alex behave as if it is something self-for granted. The representative of the species, is incredibly similar to Lorai, with absolutely impenetrable lotai, and even the man in addition? It's don't care, all right. So he is a soldier / politician? Well, of course, that it is different what-if ... Where culture shock, rejection, a clear wonder, finally !? Here or the original idea was poorly worked out, or you're not pulled implementation. Well Beryl, self-throw failed, it happens. But the others, and especially the Blade, which is the line of duty to be distrustful and suspicious, behave like a man, very much like their own (which is the way they should be familiar with - the warriors all the same), walking across the deck of a warship - it is absolutely ordinary spectacle, and this one particular they already know a hundred years. In short, I don't believe, as Stanislavsky said.

2) Alex behaves like an idiot for enabled god mode. Of course, I don't particularly know anything about diplomatic protocols, but I don't remember, when the tip out at his companion, whom you second time in his life see, the mountains potentially critical information and lecturer subtraction him as what he is an idiot, contributed to the successful understanding. And Beryl with Blade meekly swallow it all, which is typical. Gladiolus already accumulated for a whole flower bed.

3) On the question of stalling important information: I understand, cannot waiting to paint, some people here all of a cool and innovative, but what the hell give the whole to important information story actually one of monologues and even in one chapter. Well, two. For now. Frankly, Lorai had to at least try to smashed Alex, even for regularly disrespect. A stoic Storm in this issue at all is incredible for me by default.

And no, "the importance of contact" and other nonsense that doesn't justify. For black eye and then you can apologize, especially because Alex's behavior is clearly justified this.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by dragoongfa »

I unintentionally gave a hint already that something is not what it seems; suffice to say that everything you point out is intentional to the very core.

Someone who is observing from afar may have picked up something odd though.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by Tamri »

dragoongfa wrote:I unintentionally gave a hint already that something is not what it seems; suffice to say that everything you point out is intentional to the very core.

Someone who is observing from afar may have picked up something odd though.
So far, I see a bunch of idiots who behave strangely. And Alex's not the most stand out. As I have already pointed out, I have serious questions about the motivations and behavior of Loroi. Behavior Alex can be attributed to some far-reaching and multi-stage plans, but only partly. At other times, he behaves like an idiot, and cranky idiot. To file a story - question primarily for implementation. Serve story information for unilateral (in fact) monologues - a sign of bad taste, how to file a quest story in a text file, along with the game. Very amused Beryl, enlightening information for Alex, what he already knows, and he already once, and in her presence said straight ten times hinted. But Loroi hints poorly understood, so this dozen we will debit.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by dragoongfa »

Fine, here is a hint of something that will be evident in the next part:

Idiots...

Now that's a heavy word for those who
SpoilerShow
are not in control of their own minds and bodies anymore

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by Tamri »

dragoongfa wrote:Fine, here is a hint of something that will be evident in the next part:

Idiots...

Now that's a heavy word for those who
SpoilerShow
are not in control of their own minds and bodies anymore
It looks like a crutch, not the plot twist. If people have grow into Mind Control, or still somehow to affect lorai (pheromones, for example), it is unclear why this farce sending ambassador and other dances with a tambourine. Everything you need you can get thinner and more reliable. And if it's not Alex, why do this to someone / something to do lorai such suspiciously friendly (uh huh, and Alex talkative ...). In any case, a long tongue of Alex and the lack of even a shadow of non-acceptance in lorai with the exception of the first meeting (by the way, I would place Alex seriously suspicious of this sudden change attitudes) it explains with difficulty. Strongly.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by dragoongfa »

Serious roundabout spoiler about what is to come:
SpoilerShow
Beyond the HFY and Humanity is Cthulhu there is a third trope that will permeate this story: There is no coincidence.

Senator Alexander Jardin is on Tempest because he wants to be the one who will do something aboard the ship, there is a plan set in motion whose purpose is grander than anyone on Tempest can realize on their own. Time is of the essence but for now appearances are very important.

However certain someones will pick up a scent which will be amusing for the puppet master.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/22/2016)

Post by Krulle »

SpoilerShow
dragoongfa wrote:Chapter 2, part 1

[...]

“Certainly smarter than the Mizol…” Fireblade commented. - shouldn't Fireblade's text be telepathic italics?

[...]

“Yes, it was a freighter full of refugees from a race that the Hierarchy violently subjugated.” Senator Jardin replied and paused as if in thought. “However we had concrete evidence of other sentient life from the defunct Soian labs we discovered a couple of decades ago but this doesn't mean that first contact wasn’t a shock to our society.” The elevator came to a halt at the crew quarters deck , snapping Beryl from her dumbfoundness which made her ask the very first question that came to her mind.
That's... revealing.
About how Loroi see themselves, and how Humans see themselves.
Go on... ;)
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charred steppes, borders of territories: page 59,
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by dragoongfa »

Oh boy, no one picked up something special yet.

The next part is going to be surprising when I get around to finish it.

Hint:
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Who is the POV character of this part and what is the 'perfect situation' for her?

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by Krulle »

Not really in the mood of thinking hard right now.
SpoilerShow
But the Mizol is the only one who has been talked about whose POV it could be, if the POV is aboard the ship.
If the POV is not aboard the ship, it is either a Human who has infiltrated the ship using the gadgets Alexander "smuggled" aboard, or a Soian...

Beryl seemed to have a weird reaction ("weird mix of anxious glee and the feeling of inadequacy") when holding the "armour" of Alexander, which may be a sign of active interference with her personality/brain by nanostrands infiltrating her while she's holding the "cloth".
But since Alexander cannot give away yet he has infiltrated her (as he had no access to the Mizol yet), he needs to play a charade until the group reaches the Mizol and he can actively infiltrate her mind too.
But this idea of active fibres manipulating a personality comes from me reading Peter F. Hamilton once again...
It may just as well be that she's being "infiltrated" telepathically while being in the same room as Alexander.

And I purposefully disregarded the other hints you gave in your posts before this last post of yours. <grrrrrrr>
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by Tamri »

dragoongfa wrote:
In general, write, and we'll see how good the ends come together. So far, it looks like one large gladiolus and a half-dozen small.

I don't deny the presence of logic in the text, but at the moment this isn't obvious to the reader.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by dragoongfa »

In case no one noticed, although I don't outright lie, I intentionally mislead people when they have too many comments or ask too many questions about a situation whose whole picture hasn't been formed yet.

@Tamri, I could put some more details to make it more obvious but the key of everything is how the characters acted and act.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by Tamri »

dragoongfa wrote:In case no one noticed, although I don't outright lie, I intentionally mislead people when they have too many comments or ask too many questions about a situation whose whole picture hasn't been formed yet.

@Tamri, I could put some more details to make it more obvious but the key of everything is how the characters acted and act.

So far, they have you act and think about even not as they should be, and an explanation in the text we haven't, even indirect. All that can be hook, it is completely written off against for the more banal and previously known things.

At the expense of smell (pheromones and other nonsense) - for what would others don't notice the effect, the influence should be soft, and this in itself implies some time in contact with the source. If it is to act quickly, for others it will be "sound" as click: moment - and the individual dramatically begins to think differently. Somehow too visibly and suspicious. And judging by the text, it is that works quickly, even very much: enough just a few moments near Alex. So that Occam's razor says, influence, or goes to the ship at once (and incomprehensible, why the hell same Blade tossed about, when was should silently put drool ... metaphorically), or factor can quickly (and imperceptible what is most important) to change the world perception of the interlocutor, that gives a penalty for complexity. In short, while the ends go nowhere and logic doesn't sticked.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)

Post by Krulle »

dragoongfa wrote:In case no one noticed, although I don't outright lie, I intentionally mislead people when they have too many comments or ask too many questions about a situation whose whole picture hasn't been formed yet.
Then You are a lot like me. It is this why I often read and not speculate about what will happen.
Something which drives my wife crazy. No enough couriosity, she says.
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/13/2016)

Post by dragoongfa »

Chapter 2, part 2

The fact that the Listel was the one who carried the alien’s vest didn’t mean that she wasn’t apprehensive of it or the fact that they would actually give it back to him. Beryl felt both giddy and inadequate for the task that the Mizol put them up to but as a Teidar she edged closer to feel insulted. Petty trickery and misdirection were the shameful tasks of the Mizol caste after all.

“Is there something wrong Teidar Pallan Fireblade?” Beryl asked as they finally entered the brig.

“I don’t like doing the work of a Mizol.”

“But your task is to also protect Tempest from him if need be.” Beryl pointed out and for a moment Fireblade found the very idea of a male being a danger to the ship to be ridiculous but she pushed that aside because she knew that this alien wasn’t anything like a male.

“True but giving him his armor back is a mistake.”


“The Mizol doesn’t think that it is wise to have an alien diplomat walk around the ship covered with a sheet.” Beryl replied and frowned in thought. “But you are right, it’s too dangerous to just give it to him; we don’t know anything about it and we couldn’t discern anything from the scans we tried.”

“The Mizol caste will be the death of us all.” Fireblade thought before turning to the guards who were already on edge. “Be ready for anything, we will be taking the alien to meet the Mizol.” Both of them then walked down to the cell that the alien was held into, the Soroin guard who constantly monitored the video feed from inside couldn’t hide her relief when Beryl took over.

“Weird…” Beryl thought.

“What is it Listel?”

“He is exercising by doing push-ups.” Beryl replied and turned to the guard. “How long has he being doing those?”

“He has being doing sets of various exercises with little break since he got in there.” The guard sent to both of them.

“He did say that he used to be a warrior.” Fireblade commented.

“True but it is odd seeing a male do such exercises for so long, this means that their male’s physical strength is greater than ours.”

“Don’t see him as a male, he is a pink tall alien with a Lotai.” Fireblade replied drawing a nod of agreement from the Listel who raised her mental guards. “Open this up and be ready to talk when I need you to.”

“Yes Teidar.”

Fireblade emptied her mind and begun envisioning the alien male as a dangerous enemy instead of a willing prisoner; the Mizol told her to be intimidating towards him, however she would be so not because she was ordered but because the alien was very dangerous and she couldn’t allow him to cause any harm to Tempest and her crew.

“Attention, the door will open. Do not approach it.”

The door slid upwards and she slowly stepped forwards while studying the pink skinned alien male who was still doing push-ups. She was never allowed to be alone with a male because of her problems with controlling her abnormally strong telepathy and telekinesis but now she was certain that she shouldn’t even think of this one as a male. A true male’s body and muscles should be tight and bulgy as if he was meant to lift heavy loads or fight in wars. She cursed her own stupidity for not taking a sidearm now that she was observing his physical strength for the first time, what she saw made her unsure if she would be able to physically subdue him if she needed to do so; a blaster pistol on stun would be ideal in such a scenario since her telekinesis could end up killing him if she had to fight him.

“Is there something I can do for you Teidar Pallan?” The alien asked after standing up, seemingly unfazed from the exercises he was doing up until now.

“It’s your turn Listel.” She sent without taking her eyes of the alien for a single moment.

“Greetings Senator Jardin, it’s good to see you again.”

“It’s good to see you too Listel Tozet.”

“I have been instructed to return your armor to you.” Beryl continued. “And to bring you to this ship’s diplomatic officer as soon as possible.”

“Thanks…” The alien replied as he took the vest and examined it up close.

“It seems to have not been tampered with.” Beryl added when she saw him doing that.

“Leave the duplicity to the Mizol, Listel Tozet.” The alien replied without even looking at her.

“I am not lying!” Beryl replied instantly.

“No you weren’t, you just avoided to mention the fact that you have been doing all matters of scans to it for as long as I have been in here with nothing but my underwear and the sheet I was allowed to take from the medical bay.” Beryl looked at him angrily before looking at Fireblade for support.

“He is not lying Listel.” Fireblade sent to her and Beryl turned back to the alien as if defeated but still angry.

“As I said, you are expected by this ship’s Mizol Parat.”

“Perhaps she will know how to behave.” The alien commented, leaving the Listel to just glare at him as he wore the vest and seemed to wait for something to happen for a few solons.

“Why is it taking so long?” Fireblade sent to the Listel whose anger was now seething out of her.

“Don’t know.”

“Ask him then, I want to finish this farce as quickly as possible.”


“Is there a problem?” Beryl asked with an easily discernible edge in her voice.

“Nothing that you did, must have run out of charge with the emergency mode.” The alien replied before punching himself on the chest, a gesture that caused the silver metallic liquid to flow out of it and form a suit of black armor after covering his entire body.

“You said that it run out of charge!” Beryl pointed out accusingly.

“It did, this is the sole emergency charge in case of a disaster.” He replied and paused for thought before sighing. “I would like to know if it is possible to be given a small power source in order to charge it.”

“That armor could turn into a weapon.”
Beryl pointed out instantly.

“I agree, it’s too dangerous already.”

“I am sorry but we cannot do that.” Beryl said to the alien who composed himself before replying.

“I give you my word of honor as a Senator of the Terran Confederation that I intend no harm on anyone on this ship. I need a small power source because it will be extremely inappropriate to function in a diplomatic manner while looking like I am ready for battle.”

“We will not provide you with a power source of any kind without the Lashret’s express permission.” Fireblade was surprised with the Listel’s determination in her reply.

“At least you are honest while saying that I am dishonest.” The alien snapped back angrily.

“An alien with a Lotai has no right to speak of honesty.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t have the Lotai if you Loroi had an inkling of honesty and decency to begin with.”

“You…”

“Listel Tozet Beryl, we have our insturctions.” Fireblade sent with a scolding tone.

“Yes… I haven’t forgotten.” Beryl said. “This is Teidar Pallan Leinnol , her spoken name means Fireblade. She has been assigned the responsibility of your security and will not tolerate any misbehavior.”

“Does misbehavior include me telling the truth?” The alien replied angrily while glaring straight at her instead of the Listel.

“No but his disrespect both here and earlier to the Lashret is annoying me.” Fireblade sent to Beryl as she glared right back at him.

“Your conduct thus far has been far from respectful, especially your behavior towards Lashret Stillstorm earlier.” Beryl said in a far more polite way than she would.

“Yes, anger at the prospect of being interrogated must be very disrespectful to ones such as you.” Fireblade felt her anger flare at that but she managed to control herself.

“Enough! Let’s get him to the Mizol!” Fireblade sent before Beryl could say anything.

“Please follow me to the Mizol Parat.” Beryl said with a scornful look before turning and walking out of the cell.

“As if I have a choice.” The alien protested and followed suit, with Fireblade following him in turn.

The Soroin guards had undoubtedly heard the discussion and sensed the anger from both her and the Listel, knowledge that made them sensible enough not to send a stupid joke about a tall pink male with facial hair who was wearing a Mizol’s armor.

Beryl’s fury was understandable which made her refrain from talking with the alien any further, hopefully this would help with her naivety towards aliens. Of course the Mizol would be angry with this whole charade but it was her fault for sending the two of them to bring the alien over instead of coming in person. Dishonesty and trickery are her caste’s task, not of the Teidar or the Listel who have put honesty over the other virtues.

Neither Beryl nor the alien had talked at all when they all passed through the killzone, a fact that allowed Fireblade to sense the apprehension of Tenoin’s Talon and Spiral who expedited their movement in order to avoid running into their small and angry group. Fireblade cursed herself again when she realized that they did so because she was also angry about all this, she knew of her reputation and had sworn not to add to it; yet she let the alien’s words rile her up like that. She emptied her mind and recollected herself, managing to regain her full composure by the moment they reached the elevator where they had left Soroin Passet Cloud to wait.

“What happened?” The young Soroin’s question managed to surprise Fireblade as the young ones showed a little too much deference to her despite the fact that she was just twice their age.

“The alien called us dishonest and indecent.”

“Why?”

“I think that he figured out our instructions and he didn’t like them. He wasn’t in need of anything we are willing to provide so there was no need for you.”

“I understand.” Fireblade could still sense Beryl’s anger as she called the elevator to their level.

“Calm down Listel, don’t let the alien’s words get to you.”

“He called us dishonest and indecent for no reason at all!” Beryl replied angrily.

“And you are acting like you haven’t heard worse in your trials and after you joined Tempest.” Fireblade pointed out as the elevator’s doors opened.

“It’s obvious that he knows that I argued in his favor with Lashret Stillstorm, he even pointed out that I requested instead of demanding!” Beryl vented as they all walked inside.

“But the Mizol did give us a task that is unfitting of our castes. We were intending of being dishonest with him.”

“Are you taking his side that we are dishonest and indecent?” Beryl asked, her anger now directed at her instead of the alien; a gesture that she would take as an insulting challenge if it wasn’t so amusing.

“You are a Listel and I am a Teidar, both of our castes take pride in our inherent honesty which is the opposite of the open lying of the Mizol. The alien isn’t wrong to be angry about our attempt but we did so on the Mizol’s behest.”

“So you are taking the damned alien’s side!”


“You…” Fireblade didn’t allow her anger to flare up; instead she took her eyes from the alien and stared directly at the Listel who was acting irrationally. “You are acting oddly Listel, you have gotten yourself in trouble and have heard far worse from the others for your curiosity and for being interested in aliens. We both know that the alien was truthful in what he said and he is right to be as angry with us as any Loroi should be if we tried to play such trick on them. What I fail to comprehend is how you let such a petty remark escalate in a situation where you couldn’t ask the alien the questions you wanted to ask him even without the Mizol’s instructions.”

“Well done Teidar Pallan Fireblade!” The sending was abnormally strong and was an eerie combination of telepathic familiarity and exoticness, as if it was a Loroi who held similar but also different telepathic disciplines; she made to turn to the direction the unknown sending came from and found herself unable to do so. She couldn’t even move her eyes from the Listel who now stood eerily still while looking to the alien with an expression of amazement. She then realized that the elevator wasn’t moving anymore and that the Listel wasn’t even breathing! She made to shout to her but she couldn’t, her telepathy wasn’t doing anything other than sensing the others that were within range and not one of them was moving!

It took her less than a Solon to realize that she had also stopped breathing; in fact she could barely feel her body anymore. She panicked but not in the way that drew a response from her body, she just couldn’t comprehend what was happening; it was if as her mind was stuck in a single moment of time, left there to stare at the Listel who looked nothing like what she saw a moment ago. She took a gamble and tried to force herself to move telekinetically, knowing full well that she could end up injuring herself but her telekinesis didn’t respond either.

“The best prospect indeed if she can perceive this!” It was the same telepathic signature from the moment time seemed to stop; how long ago was it that time went on as normal? Bimas? Nanapis? Tozons? She couldn’t tell anymore all she knew was that the Listel now looked happy and she was trapped in whatever was happening.
Was she trapped though? Or did she finally turn insane, proving the others right when they said that she is an unstable liability who gets others killed?

“That might explain how she survived everything thus far, her subconscious must have somehow gained access to this level but in turn her telepathy and telekinesis are almost impossible to control.” That was another sender, the signature was similar to the first but she was certain that it was another person; the silence then returned and she again wondered how much time passed for her while time stood still in front of her.

“I think that her perception is way off…” The first signature replied and suddenly she felt something touch her cheek, her mind recoiled out of habit but her body stood there motionless as if it was dead. After some time her mind accepted it and she almost felt glad that she could finally feel something tangible from her body while she was lost in the stillness of time she experienced. Whatever touched her was warm and soft as if alive but she couldn’t sense anything telepathic from it; it must have been the alien who touched her but her pupils refused to move in order to see what it was.

“Yes her perception of the time stop is far too sensitive.” The first sender commented and this time she actually felt a telepathic inkling of it through his touch. “Not only that, she can actually receive our sending as she is now.”

“Is this enough to convince you sir?” This time the reply came almost immediately, without her losing track of it.

“Yes, she is by far the best possible prospect all things considered.”

“I knew that you would approve our recommendation if you saw it yourself.” The second sender replied and this time she sensed a very faint emotion of accomplishment in the sending. In fact the alien’s touch was slowly but surely becoming telepathically stronger.

“Don’t worry Teidar Pallan Fireblade…” This time the sending was sent directly to her, it was perfect in its precision; betraying a flawless telepathic control that willingly allowed only one emotion to pass through it… Amusement, the kind of amusement she had sensed from other Loroi when they toyed and petted their pet Miros!

“You understand already? That’s good!” The alien sent again and she felt a sharp electric current pass through her mind right before he stopped touching her cheek. “This should do for now.”

She still could not move any single part of her body but she felt that she now had a better grasp of how much ‘time’ passed even if time itself seemed to have stopped. She could only see the alien through her peripheral vision as he walked up to Beryl and stood next to her, she could not make out any details but she was certain that he wasn’t wearing the black armor anymore.

“Sad and lonely little thing…” The alien sent to Fireblade and she instantly realized that he meant Beryl. “If she was human she would be in her early adolescence; as a Loroi she is far more mature physically and emotionally but her life experiences now lag significantly behind those of even a human child that has lived for half her age. Our children now lose their innocence far too quickly because of our gifts and it’s because of this why I find the Listel Tozet refreshing; she has the youthful innocence that our children shed early in their lives which is something that the oldest of us find disconcerting. Her insatiable curiosity and intelligence are a credit to her caste, given time she will undoubtedly rise to the highest echelons of the Listel but her innocence will be lost long before that comes to pass. It is the inevitability of this loss that makes it all the more tragic because right now she doesn’t have any extraordinary wants; she just wants to fit in, to have friends to share her interests with and to not be shunned anymore for them. Is it wrong for me to give her a glimpse of what she wants even for a little while? Will such a glimpse fully destroy her innocence or will she appreciate it and perhaps always remember what it means to be innocent?” The alien then turned and walked into her field of view. He wasn’t wearing the armor anymore; it was some short of silver clothing that didn’t reflect the lights from around them. He stood at the perfect spot to meet her gaze and remained motionless there for what felt like a half a dozen of Solons.

“Then there is you, another lonely one but you are far from innocent. The Shells, as you call them, made good work when they tore it away from you and you in turn sacrificed the few last fragments that remained in order to survive. You loathe the ‘Beast of Seren’ moniker that your caste mates came up with but you know that you are just that, a beast that constantly fights to keep itself tame. You can’t stop yourself from telepathically broadcasting your nightmares to those near you and it’s those nightmares that make you tremble at the mere thought of you returning to Seren. The others foolishly say that you are bad luck to be around but we both know that you are a survivor; you survived by sacrificing your innocence but in doing so you broke something within. You know it, everyone around you knows it and I went then to witness the exact moment you broke through. Despite everything, or in spite of them your wants are simple enough if a little hard for you to attain. You want to finally be able to control yourself, to be accepted, to get revenge and to finally find peace within yourself.” He smiled at that. “You are going to get all that and more eventually but for now, enjoy a few fleeting moments of the clarity and peace you so desire.”

Chapter 2, part 3: http://www.well-of-souls.com/forums/vie ... 673#p23673
Last edited by Guest on Sun Apr 24, 2016 11:06 pm, edited 10 times in total.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/13/2016)

Post by Hālian »

Alex what are you doing :shock:

(Also you didn't update the topic)
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Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/13/2016)

Post by dragoongfa »

I think that I updated everything that I should have.

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