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[Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Completed: 06/04/2018) 
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
So, you think that the Humans are some short of good-willing heroes?

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Yes, keep believing that...

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 12:14 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
dragoongfa wrote:
So, you think that the Humans are some short of good-willing heroes?

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Yes, keep believing that...


Well it would certainly be more interesting if the Humans were the villains, since now you have a nifty underdog story with the Loroi/Umiak as the protagonists, but the tech balance is so lopsided even that wouldn't really help. Since they can create fleets of AI warships, dyson spheres, and black hole generators, it wouldn't matter if every Outsider race in existence banded together to stop Humanity: they'd still all lose.

And if the Soia/Humans are going to be the antagonists, why have them be Human at all? Keep the Outsider universe the same and just have the Soia return as a new alien race. The effect would be the same for your narrative, and you'd run into less problems with people dismissing your story as just a pro-human power trip.

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 12:31 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Its going to be a short story but I am not going to hint the plot any further than this:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/M ... AreCthulhu

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 12:46 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
dragoongfa wrote:
Its going to be a short story but I am not going to hint the plot any further than this:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/M ... AreCthulhu


I did notice the link, but that brings me back to my other point: why make the Humans be Cthulhu? The canon Soia are perfectly capable of being Cthulhu all on their own.

But if you really liked the idea of Cthulhu Humans in the Outsider-verse, it might work best to not even say that these are Humans. Robotic uploads, radical mutations, and other transhuman technologies are obviously within their reach, so there's no need to reveal that the new race is Humanity until pretty much the last line of your story. That makes it a dramatic twist and keeps up the suspense, while keeping the story itself relatively unchanged.

Alternatively, go for broke! You can make Cthulhu!Humanity work in this story if you embrace the full potential of the tech gap. Don't have the Human ship be taken out by the Umiak, have it be a pan-dimensional runner that was knocked into this plane of reality by a weapon that strikes its targets in the past, present, and future simultaneously. Don't make it a diplomatic ship, make it a scout vessel for a war so advanced the Loroi can't even detect that is being fought. Humanity's total disinterest in the Loroi and their primitive war problems keeps the tech levels from being an issue, and Alex becomes a unique puzzle the Loroi characters must overcome, instead of an overpowered protagonist that will make the other characters irrelevant.

"I have just picked [an ant] up on the tip of my glove. If I put it down again, and it asks another ant, "what was that?", how would it explain? There are things in the universe billions of years older than either of our races. They're vast, timeless, and if they're aware of us at all, it is as little more than ants, and we have as much chance of communicating with them as an ant has with us. We know, we've tried, and we've learned that we can either stay out from underfoot or be stepped on."

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 1:27 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Because what you are presuming is not the point of the story ;)

A construct like what the Historians use would not be able to fulfill the duties that Senator Alexander Jardin chose for himself fulfill; for a variety of personal reasons.

EDIT: The Loroi interest Humanity a LOT, their primitive war with the Hierarchy is mere background noise to their greater plans.

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 1:35 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
dragoongfa wrote:
Because what you are presuming is not the point of the story ;)

A construct like what the Historians use would not be to fulfill the duties that Senator Alexander Jardin chose to himself fulfill; for a variety of personal reasons.


I'm not sure if I'm not following you or you aren't following me. Maybe both?

Let's try again:

If we didn't know Alex was Human then his character would be a fun puzzle with a dramatic twist. If you made this Humanity so advanced that the Loroi can't even comprehend them, you've got a episode of Star Trek, Babylon 5, or Stargate (all three shows had the 'ultra-advanced guest' problem pop up more than once). But Humanity as you have written it feels more like a power fantasy than an interesting species.

No Cthulhu story is actually about Cthulhu, it's about the pathetic ants around it. Thus, your story should actually be about the Loroi. We don't need to know anything about these Humans, beyond the fact that they are insanely powerful. Knowing that they are a Confederation and that he is a Senator ruins their mystic. Having them actually send a mission to contact the Loroi is even worse, because it makes zero sense. The Loroi have absolutely nothing Humanity wants, so it would be like the UN sending an official delegation to an anonymous jungle tribe.

This story should be a cool culture clash as the Loroi struggle to understand just how big their universe really is. Thus far, this doesn't feel like that sort of story, because Humanity doesn't feel big. They feel like your standard sci-fi Humanity with some neat gadgets.

One way or the other, the Humans are what's holding this back. Fix them, you've fixed your story.

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 2:20 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
I understand the point and you partially got what I am going for. Yes the story is about the Loroi and yes one aspect of what I am going for is to humble the Loroi by introducing a monster. I don't believe however that the monster has to be hidden behind a veil for tension, tension can be added by pointing out the complete helplessness of the Loroi hosts when they come face to face with someone far greater than them that constantly shows how far ahead he is with a smile on his face.

In part Alex Jardin plays the horror of the universe at large finally coming to pay a visit, he is open and plain to see for everyone while he subtly hides some small details for his own reasons.

Senator Alex Jardin ain't the protagonist, nor does he serve the purpose of the antagonist; he represents an unstoppable force of the universe at large that is amused by the petty fighting when he knows that something far bigger is at stake and he suspects that universe shaking events are already in motion. I intend to portray humanity as an 'evil' we the readers believe we know about, through events we believe we know how they pan out, only to have the truth of everything come out in the end. The reader believes that they know what is coming (all readers know what Cthulhu is), the Loroi and the Hierarchy don't, to their detriment, but the reader keeps reading even if he knows because they want to see the upstart apes get smacked around by forces that are beyond compare.

That's what I am trying to go here for.

If I have one failing is that I posted the human background now, when it should be posted after the end of the story; that or I should have spoiled it at the very least. I haven't spoiled the key elements of Human intentions but I did betray Humanity's size and what they have already done.

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 3:36 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
dragoongfa wrote:
I understand the point and you partially got what I am going for. Yes the story is about the Loroi and yes one aspect of what I am going for is to humble the Loroi by introducing a monster. I don't believe however that the monster has to be hidden behind a veil for tension, tension can be added by pointing out the complete helplessness of the Loroi hosts when they come face to face with someone far greater than them that constantly shows how far ahead he is with a smile on his face.

In part Alex Jardin plays the horror of the universe at large finally coming to pay a visit, he is open and plain to see for everyone while he subtly hides some small details for his own reasons.

Senator Alex Jardin ain't the protagonist, nor does he serve the purpose of the antagonist; he represents an unstoppable force of the universe at large that is amused by the petty fighting when he knows that something far bigger is at stake and he suspects that universe shaking events are already in motion. I intend to portray humanity as an 'evil' we the readers believe we know about, through events we believe we know how they pan out, only to have the truth of everything come out in the end. The reader believes that they know what is coming (all readers know what Cthulhu is), the Loroi and the Hierarchy don't, to their detriment, but the reader keeps reading even if he knows because they want to see the upstart apes get smacked around by forces that are beyond compare.

That's what I am trying to go here for.

If I have one failing is that I posted the human background now, when it should be posted after the end of the story; that or I should have spoiled it at the very least. I haven't spoiled the key elements of Human intentions but I did betray Humanity's size and what they have already done.


True, but that's the trick: Alex doesn't seem scary. He seems arrogant. True, his confidence is quite justified, but by humanizing him you've taken away the fear. Were he an alien (or if we didn't know he was human) it wouldn't be so bad, but because your readers are also human (probably) they will automatically put themselves in Alex's shoes. Cosmic horror is only scary if you are the ant, or if you can sympathize with the ant. When the ant's a jerk who is obviously about to get what's coming to them from the all-powerful superior being, it's boring. When that superior being is a stand-in for the reader? That's a power fantasy.

Were this an original fiction, I think it might still work. But this is an Outsider story, posted in the Outsider forum. If we hated the Loroi and Umiak so much that we wanted the mighty tentacles of Cthulhu to wipe them from the galaxy, we wouldn't be here. We LIKE the Loroi, aggression and all. Who wants to see them get their asses kicked by an opponent who so obviously has the deck stacked in their favor? Humble them with superior strategy. Humble them with tactful diplomacy. Just don't do it via a magic "I win" button.

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 3:58 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
As the writer I share the same 'fears' in regards to the story; yes the Human cosmic horror, read by a human can be seen as a power fantasy but that's part of the trick I want to play with him and humanity as a whole. He seems arrogant with the Loroi, that's my intention. He will seem ordinary and perhaps pleasant in seemingly casual discussion, that's also my intention. He is human and has a lot of pull but is he someone the reader can actually relate to? I hope so because that's my intention. Now is he someone that the reader SHOULD relate to?

That's for later.

Are the Loroi like able? Of course, I wouldn't paint them in such positive light if I didn't believe they are like able.

However, is this the whole picture about them?

That's also for later.

Will what I have in mind actually work?

I want to believe that it will but I am not sure myself.

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 4:18 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
If I understand it correctly, Humanity at its whole is like the Continuum of this universe, with Alexander playing Q in the Loroi ship?


Wed Mar 02, 2016 4:28 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
The Q continuum is naturally omnipotent and omnipresent; this Humanity still has to do a lot of legwork for both of these traits.

And this Alex isn't Q in the Enterprise calling shenanigans.

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Wed Mar 02, 2016 4:34 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Wow that is a whole lot of speculation on the authors intent after just a couple pages.

Jeez people have a little patience. This is the outsider forums. We are used to just a couple of updates per year. Stop trying to guess dragoongfa intent after a couple of paragraphs


Wed Mar 02, 2016 4:55 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
joestej wrote:
dragoongfa wrote:
So, you think that the Humans are some short of good-willing heroes?

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Yes, keep believing that...


Well it would certainly be more interesting if the Humans were the villains, since now you have a nifty underdog story with the Loroi/Umiak as the protagonists, but the tech balance is so lopsided even that wouldn't really help. Since they can create fleets of AI warships,
Hmm. If they have telepathic user-interfaces, then that can easily (and almost instantly) lead to post-human intelligence, just by being close enough to the right computer.

joestej wrote:
"I have just picked [an ant] up on the tip of my glove. If I put it down again, and it asks another ant, "what was that?", how would it explain? There are things in the universe billions of years older than either of our races. They're vast, timeless, and if they're aware of us at all, it is as little more than ants, and we have as much chance of communicating with them as an ant has with us. We know, we've tried, and we've learned that we can either stay out from underfoot or be stepped on."
Works a lot better if the ant doesn't get approached by the giant. Humans are Vorlons or Shadows by this analogy, though both worked better as secretive "also Humans" than as Cthulhu.

joestej wrote:
dragoongfa wrote:
Because what you are presuming is not the point of the story ;)

A construct like what the Historians use would not be to fulfill the duties that Senator Alexander Jardin chose to himself fulfill; for a variety of personal reasons.


I'm not sure if I'm not following you or you aren't following me. Maybe both?

Let's try again:

If we didn't know Alex was Human then his character would be a fun puzzle with a dramatic twist. If you made this Humanity so advanced that the Loroi can't even comprehend them, you've got a episode of Star Trek, Babylon 5, or Stargate (all three shows had the 'ultra-advanced guest' problem pop up more than once). But Humanity as you have written it feels more like a power fantasy than an interesting species.
Well, to be honest, the stereotypical "visiting aliens" thing feels like a power fantasy too, just for the aliens instead of humanity.

But admittedly, the writing is a little bit uninspiring at the moment. Perhaps it would have benefited from writing as if Jardin's presence changed the nature of reality or something, basically turning the universe in a localized area from the corporeal universe that we all know and love, into something out of an acid trip, or thr contents of an exhaustive but mostly metaphorical philosophy textbook as rendered by a 9-dimensional Picasso.

That sounds difficult, though. And at any rate, perhaps Jardin choose to manifest this way?

joestej wrote:
No Cthulhu story is actually about Cthulhu, it's about the pathetic ants around it. Thus, your story should actually be about the Loroi. We don't need to know anything about these Humans, beyond the fact that they are insanely powerful. Knowing that they are a Confederation and that he is a Senator ruins their mystic. Having them actually send a mission to contact the Loroi is even worse, because it makes zero sense. The Loroi have absolutely nothing Humanity wants, so it would be like the UN sending an official delegation to an anonymous jungle tribe.
Humans have sent out plenty of missions to study nematodes. These just happen to be more intelligent than normal.

joestej wrote:
One way or the other, the Humans are what's holding this back. Fix them, you've fixed your story.
Eh, dialogue and portrayal improvements would do the trick. The appearance of having rushed through the awkward parts is what's struck me as needing to be fixed so far.

My thoughts on the writing:
1) Too much "telling", not enough "showing";
2) Rushing too much in to make it work well (plays in with 1 ).

dragoongfa wrote:
I understand the point and you partially got what I am going for. Yes the story is about the Loroi and yes one aspect of what I am going for is to humble the Loroi by introducing a monster. I don't believe however that the monster has to be hidden behind a veil for tension, tension can be added by pointing out the complete helplessness of the Loroi hosts when they come face to face with someone far greater than them that constantly shows how far ahead he is with a smile on his face.
That can probably be done, but it requires more subtlty than you're applying. It's coming off as Marty-Stu-ish instead... or to put it another way, it's coming off as preachy. That sort of thing got done in old sci-fi movies a lot, but not because it's a good writing technique: those were pulp sci-fis, with the appropriate level of writing.

Revealing that the monster is a monster early on is fine, but you're doing it like a slasher-flick, not like a suspense. If you want both tension, and for the tension to be well received, then you need to at least back off from the "stated fact" thing.

Also, Jardin has seemed too detached from his canon counterpart: Arioch's Jardin probably would have kept more of those cards hidden, or at least played them a little better.


Wed Mar 02, 2016 8:43 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Absalom wrote:

My thoughts on the writing:
1) Too much "telling", not enough "showing";
2) Rushing too much in to make it work well (plays in with 1 ).


I agree for the 'telling' and the partial 'rushing' but that's going to flip flop from here on out; the human ambassador will not always be present.

Quote:

Also, Jardin has seemed too detached from his canon counterpart: Arioch's Jardin probably would have kept more of those cards hidden, or at least played them a little better.


This is intended.

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Thu Mar 03, 2016 4:01 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Fair enough. I agree that perhaps I'm reading ahead a bit, and the idea of what a TL 16 civilization might look like is certainly quite subjective. There is no reason dragoongfa should have to subscribe to my definition of how an ultra-advanced Human/Cthulhu fusion would act. I don't really have all the information either, so maybe I'm missing something that will explain away my concerns. I shall await further developments before rendering a final verdict.

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Thu Mar 03, 2016 7:05 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse
Spoiler: show
dragoongfa wrote:
Chapter 1, part 1

“My shift was about done and the Lashret thought that I should handle this. What am I needed for?” Beruyl replied.

[...]

She followed the Teidar’s mental signature in order to find them at packed the shuttle bay, she half expected for a crowd to had have formed around their little group but the Teidar must have convinced those curious to go back to their jobs. The redhead warrior was standing over the two Doranzers who were kneeling over the armored and unconscious alien.

[...]

“Its face looks like a Loroi’s but it is pinkish… Yes (Yet?) I see some read red or real? blood and… that must be facial hair!” Beryl sent her thoughts without thinking.

[...]

“Yes.” Beryl agreed as she examined the hologram. “This must be some short of emergency system to help a medic, pretty advanced if they managed to fit everything that it needs in a personal armor.”

[...]

“I wonder what this is…” Beryl thought as she reached out towards a small holographic rectangle that just floated above the skeleton, as she was about to touch it the small rectangle expanded into a small holographic screen that turned and floated at half an arm’s length in front of her. “Very advanced… This must be some short of control panel.”

[...]

“This is Pallan Fireblade. The Doranzers need to get the alien the alien to the medical bay and it seems unarmed.” It was one of the few times Beryl heard the Teidar speak, she had a nicely pitched and steady voice that didn’t betray her character at all. “Affirmative. I will stay with them at all times.”
dragoongfa wrote:
Chapter 1, part 2

[...]

“Is the alien healed?” She asked as she observed the naked alien that laid motionless of the regenerator’s bed. It was obviously a male, with blonde hair that were accompanied by relatively short facial hair of the same color; it or he was well muscled when compared to a Loroi warrior and even hard some sparse body hair. It looked uncomfortably like a Loroi male, if not for the height, the body color and the facial and body hair.

[...]

“I have no choisce then, all of you raise your mental defenses; if he doesn’t wake up after I focus on him, he never will.” She warned the others before dropping her mental barriers and concentrating on the alien. She sensed the two Doranzers and the Listels as they overlapped their subconscious mental barriers with conscious ones and couldn’t help but smile when she sensed their realization that they would have to do more to keep her out. Everyone knew that she was a very strong telepath but few ever realized how strong she really was, the three of them and the others who were close enough would now appreciate the effort she put in making sure to control herself. It was true that she never could shut her mind completely off, annoying those that were sensitive about such matters, but such small leaks could never compare with the strength she now let loose. Thankfully the alien obliged her with a response and begun squirming after a few solons.

[...]

“Yes, I can understand you.” Tthe alien replied as he stretched his neck to look at his naked body.
I see that you often start with a capital letter after someone said something. But the sentence continues, therefore it should not be capitalised, except for names and titles... (too keep this short, I will try to refrain from pointing out more of these instances)

“Ah, very good! Are you undamaged? Can you breath acceptably?” Tthe Tozet asked.

[...]


Do you want me to go over the Confederation backstory as well?


Just started reading. Will refrain from commenting the content until I've read through the thread. But marking other comments right away. ;)

So far, I like it... (although not a fan of "Humanity, fuck yeah!" either. And I've heard the name Cthulu, but have never read of those stories (yet). I will patiently wait where this will go.)

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Wed Mar 09, 2016 4:54 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/02/2016)
Chapter 1, part 3

For all her mental training Mizol Parat Tempo still needed to be alone, calm herself down and think of how to proceed. She knew that to remain angry at the Lashret was both futile and foolish. Yes the Lashret did make sure that she wouldn’t be alerted about Tempest’s find, yes she did try to use her field command authority in an attempt to get results and yes she got very close in starting another war with a species that for all intents and purposes completely outclassed them technologically; yet Tempo knew that she was the one to blame. She was positioned on Tempest to make sure that Stillstorm behaved one way or the other; she was the one who failed in this duty and the Union was very close in paying the price of this failure.

She sighed and rubbed her forehead in resignation, as a Mizol she knew that letting such strong sentiments dictate her next actions was a disaster waiting to happen. She needed to take control of the situation fast and diffuse the situation before anyone else could make another mistake. She forcefully emptied her mind and leaned back on her chair as she brought back what they had learned about the alien, this Senator Alexander Jardin of the Terran Confederation.

He was a telepath and a telekinetic with some form of a Lotai which was the most troubling. It is possible that the Terran Confederation is behind the new found Shell Lotai or it could be just a coincidence, this they could not prove one way or the other; what they did know was that the Confederation completely outclassed them technologically. The advanced armor alone could be explained as looted Historian tech but the ship they found right after she came out of the Farseer’s compartment could not be discounted so easily.

Even dead it was obvious that it was far more advanced that even the Historian ships they had observed in the past; it must have taken dozens of plasma focus hits and antimatter torpedoes and yet it was still there, with many compartments and decks open to space but still in one piece. The search teams failed to find any other human aboard, which meant that either the alien was alone or someone else had already come and taken the rest; and in this case that someone would have to be yet another unknown party as the Shells would have fought to keep the wreck while the Confederation would remain in place and ask for their Senator. Senator Jardin had to be alone on the ship, a fully automated ship was beyond the Union’s tech level but the Confederation was obviously able to do that much with ease. This near certainty wasn’t the most shocking discovery of the search teams, that was how familiar and yet alien everything was to them.

Everything seemed to be at the right place and height for a Loroi to use and they even run across several small trinkets that one would think were made by a Loroi for a Loroi. Then there was the unknown artifacts whose design looked like they were meant to be used by someone like them but they couldn’t begin to comprehend their purpose.

If the alien being a telekinetic wasn’t enough to convince some about his stated origin then a ship as advanced as this should convince everyone but those who will argue just for the sake of arguing. She had to accept that this wasn’t a Shell trick which meant that she would have to work this as a complicated first contact scenario, or as close as it can get if what the alien said was true; something that is most likely the case if she was to judge by his knowledge of Loroi castes and the fact that his Loroi trade was flawless.

The question then revolves around how much does the Confederation know about the Union?

He admitted that their telepathic and telekinetic disciplines weren’t anywhere near the level of theirs, something that makes sense if the Soians had cut off their telepathy and telekinesis in their stone age. The telepathic traditions the Loroi draw from, date from the fall of the Soians till now and that was a gap in abilities that could not be covered even in millennia. Perhaps this would allow them to come in some short of agreement with the Confederation; trading technology for telepathic and telekinetic expertise could help the Union immensely in this war and it would certainly help after its end.

He knew about Tempest and Stillstorm’s reputation, castaways and rescued prisoners of war could provide such information, especially if there was a Mizol who was up to date among them. In such case she would have to work with the assumption that the Loroi the Confederation has in their ‘care’ have given up that information freely as even the Shells have trouble extracting information from prisoners through torture. Telepathic interrogation was of course a real possibility but that would mean that their telepathic abilities are at least up to par with theirs. She would have to stay alert and find a way to determine the true extent of humanity’s telepathic expertise but in any case she would have to work with the best case scenario that the Loroi ‘guests’ gave up the information willingly after being ‘impressed’ by ‘human hospitality and technology’. In any other instance these Loroi would be guilty of treason but if the Confederation is friendly to the Loroi then a release of non-vital information could be tolerated as an attempt to foster a possible Union-Confederation alliance against the Hierarchy.

He also knew that Emperor Greywind is currently at Seren, which is privileged and concurrent information that random castaways and prisoners of war had no way of knowing. He also claimed that the Confederation has some form of an outpost at the Charred Steppes near Seren, if they are able to do that without letting themselves be known then it’s a real possibility that they have already established numerous intelligence outposts across the front line, they should be able to learn a lot through such a network but it must have plenty of holes if one of their ships run into the middle of a Shell fleet in such a way. Thinking about it she found it hard to believe that a lone ‘Senator’ would be without a military escort in such a mission. It could be because of stupid overconfidence due to their technology but such overconfidence contrasted with the possibility of an expanded intelligence network throughout the border and his claim that the Confederation has been ‘rescuing’ Loroi for a Tozon. The later two betray a meticulous observation and preparation effort before moving forward, something that is not compatible at all with such blatant overconfidence. She would have to find a way to ask him about this. Thankfully physics negate the possibility of them having outposts inside the Union, even with a Lotai their hyperspace jumps would be easily detected while their ships would be detected visually with ease.

His claim that their territory is beyond the Great Wasteland does make sense as to why their species hadn’t come in contact before now; if she remembered correctly the furthest exploration endeavor inside the Great Wasteland barely went past 40 light Tozons from their current border. It is a fact that the Great Wasteland is comprised solely on metal poor star systems and as thus the entire area is unsuitable for any kind of exploitation. If this was the case from their side then they would have to expand wherever the metal rich star systems were, that’s how the Loroi historically expanded on their side of the Great Wasteland at least.

Tempo had to force herself to accept what the alien said about humanity being their template species; not because she was convinced of that but because of the repercussions such a fact would have on the Union as a whole. It was easily deductible from what the alien said that his species aren’t Soians and that they did not appreciate what the Soians did to them so long ago. His claim that the Lotai was an advanced adaptation of the mechanism put in place by the Soians could not be verified in any way but she knew that no Loroi would ever look kindly to the ones who would take their telepathy away. She still found it odd that he would keep the Lotai up but considering the situation he has found himself in, such a measure is understandable; there is also the possibility of it being a cultural thing.

His accusation against the Historians had to be considered as well; they were nominally allies to the Union and have already provided critical aid but their secretive nature always raised a lot of questions about their agenda.

She sighed again and tried to formulate a plan before realizing that the alien willingly gave all this information to them. For all her bravado and pride Stillstorm would back down after the telekinetic demonstration from his part; no Loroi is stupid enough to endanger the first contact with another telepathic and telekinetic species in such a way, they all crave to find someone like them out there and Stillstorm is old enough to remember a peaceful time when being the ones to find other telepaths was a wish that all starfaring Loroi had in their minds.

He could be just playing it safe or even not see any value at all to the information he divulged; there was also the third possibility of him willingly giving them all this in order to even their respective diplomatic positions. If this was the case it would be because he truly felt appreciation for being saved and wanted them to be at ease with such knowledge, an understandable ploy considering the physical similarity and the Lotai. In any case Tempo wondered if it was possible to get him talking again. She needed to know more about them, no; the Union as a whole needed to know more about this species that could be more advanced than even the Historians.

She also had to make up for Stillstorm’s earlier folly, which meant that she couldn’t delay in recognizing the alien as a diplomat. There was no way for them to know if he really is a Senator as he claims to be but the possibility of angering the Confederation of his was unacceptable at the least, nightmarish at the worse. Without any evidence and beyond all reason she hoped that their intentions were peaceful. The Union must not make any more enemies if the Loroi are to survive as a species.

Chapter 2, part 1: viewtopic.php?p=23485#p23485

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My fan fics:

Looking forward to the mirror (Delayed editing)
Reforged (Irregular updates)
The Pale Horse (Completed, could use some editing)


Last edited by Guest on Sat Apr 02, 2016 3:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.



Mon Mar 21, 2016 3:56 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/22/2016)
.... Not much to say, besides I like it.
This is a part bridging, not much happened, except for Alexander to be recognised as diplomat (although the act must still happen).

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Wed Mar 23, 2016 2:03 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 03/22/2016)
Chapter 2, part 1

Listel Tozet Beryl felt overwhelmed by the weird mix of anxious glee and the feeling of inadequacy as she held the ‘vest’ that used to be the armor that the human wore when they found him. No one who examined it could discern anything about it, it felt and looked like an ordinary cloth vest while there was no hint at all of the mechanism that turned that armor into the unseemly vest she now held.

“Focus Listel!” Teidar Pallan Fireblade sent with an austere undertone.

“Yes, I am sorry.”

“So none of you have any idea how that thing works?” The Teidar asked.

“It’s too far beyond us…” Beryl replied instantly. “We have no idea about anything about it; perhaps we would be able to discern something with specialized scientific equipment but nothing we have was of any use to us.”

“And we are going to give it back to the human because of that damn Mizol…” Fireblade replied.

“It’s nothing compared with what the salvage teams brought back from the derelict!” Beryl added, oblivious to the hostility Fireblade held for the Mizol.

“And you are all certain that there was no other crew on that ship?” Fireblade asked as they passed the killzone that separated the brig from the rest of the ship.

“It’s the only plausible explanation other than someone picking them up without staying put, everyone we know would stay once they realized how technologically advanced that ship is.” Beryl replied.

“And because of that we are now doing what the Mizol told us to do, are you transmitting everything to her already?”

“Yes, she will hear everything we say while observing us with the surveillance system.” Beryl confirmed as the reached the human’s cell.

“Alright then, let’s get this over with.” Fireblade broadcasted to draw the attention of the Soroin guard who kept monitoring the video feed from inside the cell as if her life was depending on it. The Soroin stepped aside relieved as Beryl took her place in observing their ‘guest’, who looked like he was taking a nap on the sleeping mat while covered on the sheet that he used as clothing while he was moved from the medical bay.

“Attention, the door will open. Do not approach it.” Beryl said and the cell’s loudspeakers instantly passed the message inside. Fireblade let out an audible sigh before composing herself in order to take an aggressive demeanor as the door slowly slid upwards, leaving Beryl to observe the human who turned to look at the opening door with an expression that could only be described as annoyed grogginess. Beryl could sense that the Teidar was ready for anything as she stepped through the open door, the human lazily stood up and eyed her closely before speaking.

“Hello Teidar Pallan.”

“Listel it’s your turn.” The Teidar sent and slightly turned her head towards her in order to subtly pass the message of who would do the talking.

“Greetings, Senator Alexander Jardin.” Beryl said as she stepped forward. “I am pleased to see you again.”

“I am pleased to see you too Listel Tozet.” The human replied and looked at the vest she was holding.

“I have been directed to return your armor to you, it has not been tinkered with.” Beryl said as she offered the vest to him.

“Thanks, I would hate to have to keep using the sheet to cover myself.” The human replied as he took it and examined it.

“I have also been directed to inform you that we have found the remains of an unknown ship, tell me, was your ship silver in color with red markings?”

“Yes, that should be my personal runner.”

“Your personal runner?” Beryl asked.

“Yes, it’s a class of fully automated ships; used for the quick transportation of various high ranking officians. Its autopilot must have malfunctioned and I ended up waking up with it taking fire.” Senator Jardin explained.

“I understand, I have also been instructed to bring you to the ship’s diplomatic officer. She wants to meet you as soon as possible in order to clear up any and all misunderstandings.” Beryl explained exactly as the Mizol instructed her.

“Of course, I have been looking forward to have a talk with the ranking Mizol.” He replied as he put on the vest as if it was just a piece of ordinary clothing. After zipping it up he waited for something to happen for a few solons before his expression turned into one of annoyance. “Should have expected this…”

“Is something wrong?” Beryl asked trying to hold back her alarm.

“Its charge must have run out, its battery lasts for about 3 nanapis but I didn’t charge it in a while and its emergency mode must have drained the remaining charge.” He replied before punching himself to the chest. The vest reacted instantly and the grey metallic liquid poured out of it again and quickly enveloped the human before turning itself into a black suit of armor.

“And you have no idea how that thing works?”
Fireblade asked, her mind betraying the anxiety the Teidar felt as she tried to push back the thought of the human’s armor turning into some form of weapon.

“No Teidar.”
Beryl admitted.

“That should do for now.” Senator Jardin said as he cursorily examined himself.

“You said that its battery had run out.” Beryl commented the moment he looked at her.

“It did but it has an emergency charge built in for a single transformation into a light armor in case of an emergency.” He replied and frowned. “Is there a possibility of me getting access to a small energy source in order to charge it?” Beryl instantly turned to the Teidar who was obviously torn between overriding the Mizol’s orders for the safety of the ship or going along with them in the hopes that the Mizol was right in this case.

“Offer something that doesn’t let out a lot of energy and cannot be used as a weapon.” She sent Beryl after some thought.

“I understand.” The Listel replied with some relief and turned to face the human again.

“We have small shipstone class batteries to power emergency equipment in case of a power outage by allowing only a set amount of energy out, would such a battery suffice?” Beryl asked the alien.

“That wouldn’t be ideal but it should allow me to change the outfit to something more presentable.”

“I will inform someone to bring us one.” Beryl replied. “Soroin Passet Cloud, bring us a standard issue emergency shipstone battery. We will meet you at the elevator.” She sent to the Soroin Passet that the Mizol had assigned to them as a go getter.

“Affirmative.”

“Now if you please follow…”

“In case you forgot Listel, I am not going to do any talking for him.” Fireblade scolded her telepathically.

“Ah, yes… of course please allow me…” She replied to the Teidar vocally out of reflex, drawing a chuckle from the human as if he had understood the blunder. “This is Teidar Pallan Leinnol; her spoken name means Fireblade. Correct me if I am wrong but we have gathered from earlier that you are familiar with the duties of her caste.”

“Yes, the Unsheathed. Exemplar telepathic and telekinetic warriors who are also known to not speak any falsehoods. Judging by the size of her amplifier and the fact that I haven’t seen her with a sidearm, Pallan Fireblade must be someone who is very confident in her abilities and has been tasked to make sure I behave myself.”

“Smart alien isn’t he?” Fireblade sent with obvious amusement.

“Yes… that is correct… she directs me to…”

“The charade that the Mizol put you up to is too obvious…” Senator Jardin interrupted her. “Pallan Fireblade doesn’t have to worry for my part, I will not use telepathy or telekinesis without her permission and in turn she doesn’t have to present herself as overly intimidating in order to make you look friendlier.”

“Certainly smarter than the Mizol…” Fireblade commented.

“I am sorry for…”

“Don’t worry Tozet Beryl, I will answer the questions you have to the best of my abilities.”

“That’s great!” She cried out excitedly.

“Control yourself Listel.”

“Sorry.”


“Now if you please follow me.” Beryl said as she walked out of the cell. “Tell me Senator Jardin are you feeling well?” She asked him after greeting the Soroin guard who looked at his armor in disbelief.

“Yes I am fine, I am a little hungry though.”

“We will find you something digestible after the interview.”

“I will provide a list of what I can eat once that’s done.”

“Of course.” Beryl replied and decided to ask the very first thing that came to her as the first airlock of the kill zone opened in front of them. “Is it common for human males to be politicians and fighters?” He laughed at that.

“I am sorry, I didn’t expect that to be your first question.”

“That makes two of us.” Fireblade commented.

“I…”

“Don’t worry; it’s a good question that was bound to be asked. Traditionally the vast majority of human fighters are male and that has translated to a large majority of male politicians as well.”

“This seems to be surprising, we appear very similar but there must be significant behavioral differences.”

“You have no idea…” The Senator commented.

“What do you mean?”

“You will find out soon enough but for now I will start by mentioning that the use of ‘seems’ when saying a certainty could be interpreted as rude. I know that it is a polite form because Loroi don’t trust vocal speech as must as you do Sanzai but I would appreciate it if you were as direct at me as you are to your comrades.” Senator Jardin explained as the killzone’s exit airlock opened.

“I understand, I will try to be less polite. What I meant by differences is that only one in eight Loroi is male so they have been traditionally protected. We consider the large ratio of females to males to be a basic adaptation for a warrior species, to allow maximum reproduction capability while still being able to control population growth through restriction of… access to males. This is not the case with humanity? What is your ratio of females to males?” Beryl replied.

“About half and half, slightly more males are naturally born but we males have a slightly higher attrition rate and have a shorter lifespan due to our lifestyle.”

“Only half of your population can reproduce?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“You have found this ratio acceptable to your needs?”

“You have to bear in mind that humans are a natural species, we evolved around this ratio. Human males are physically tougher and sturdier and are expected to provide manual labor and fulfill all dangerous tasks that life requires, in contrast human females are expected to take care of themselves in order to be at the best possible health when they give birth and raise their young.” The Senator explained.

“That’s different but I think I understand.”

“Also bear in mind that due to this ratio we humans form pair bonds between one male and one female both of whom come together in order to raise a family.” Senator Jardin continued.

“One for one, yes that is reasonable.” Beryl admitted.

“Okay then, next question.”

“Remember what the Mizol wants to know.” Fireblade reminded her.

“Yes… we Loroi find spoken words awkward so we find it odd that you choose not to use Sanzai.” Beryl asked.

“That’s a good one, with a simple enough answer. We humans don’t like to have our thoughts read by those around us, it’s kind of similar to Loroi reluctance to touch others.” Senator Jardin explained.

“But Sanzai and touching are totally different.”

“For you but we humans consider our privacy of thought as paramount. Because of this we use Sanzai and telepathic touching only with those who are really close and dear to us. For everyone else we have a huge variety of touching traditions and we have developed the habit to think out loud.” She couldn’t help but burst out in laughter at that.

“Very good joke, that’s very funny.”

“I know but it is still the truth.” The airlock that lead to the intersection that oversaw the hangar opened in front of them at that moment, revealing Tenoins Talon and Spiral who were walking towards the elevator which would take them down there. Senator Jardin greeted them as they passed by.

“That’s the alien male? Is he a warrior?” Talon asked as both she and Spiral looked back at their odd group.

“Yes Tenoin and he told us that he was a warrior before becoming a politician.” Beryl replied to them before gesturing to the Senator. “This way Senator.”

“You said that your Lotai is an advanced adaptation of the mechanism that the Soians put in place in order to lock your telepathy and telekinesis away.”

“Yes that’s correct.” He confirmed.

“Why would they do that?”

“Mainly because they thought that our stone age ancestors were some sort of threat to them.” Senator Jardin replied. “However they did find it prudent to exploit our talents leading to your creation.”

“Are you certain of this claim?”

“Yes.” He replied and smiled when their small group reached the elevator where Soroin Passet Cloud was waiting.

“An emergency shipstone battery.” Beryl announced as she gestured to the Soroin novice.

“Thanks, that was fast.” He replied and took the small battery from Cloud.

“That’s the alien male? Its face is hairy and it is wearing an armor!” Cloud commented and almost drew a chuckle from both Beryl and Fireblade.

“Yes Passet, we know.”


“Will it suffice?” Beryl asked after calling the elevator that would take them to the crew quarters level.

“It should…” He replied as he examined it closely.

“If everyone we pass by asks if this is the alien male I am going to get a headache.” Beryl sent to the Teidar.

“Give thanks that the Soroin guards didn’t send anything at you.”

“Can you at least announce him so the others don’t get startled?” Beryl asked.

“I will but only because that joke was funny.”

“Positive…Negative…yes this should do nicely.” Senator Jardin said and pressed the small battery on the chest of armor, the metal seemingly coming to life and enveloping it after a few moments.

“That armor gets creepier by the Solon.”
Fireblade commented.

“Does it work?” Beryl asked.

“Yes but it needs to draw a charge for a couple of Bima in order to function.” He replied as the elevator’s doors opened.

“Your technology seems to be very advanced from what we observed from your armor and your ship.” Beryl commented as they entered.

“You could say that, by your measurements we are currently at the cusp of tech level 14 and this suit represents the first generation of smart material clothing.” He explained taking her by surprise.

“What’s our tech level Listel?” Fireblade asked out of curiosity.

“Early 11. The Historians should be mid to late 12.” Beryl replied as she formulated a vocal reply. “That would make your species the most advanced race we have come across until now.”

“We have gathered as much in the two tozons we have been in contact with other sentients.”

“Your very first contact was just two tozons ago?” Beryl asked in disbelief.

“Yes, it was a freighter full of refugees from a race that the Hierarchy violently subjugated.” Senator Jardin replied and paused as if in thought. “However we had concrete evidence of other sentient life from the defunct Soian labs we discovered a couple of decades ago but this doesn mean that first contact wasn’t a shock to our society.” The elevator came to a halt at the crew quarters deck , snapping Beryl from her dumbfoundness which made her ask the very first question that came to her mind.

“Soian labs?”

“Yes, they were meticulously hidden at the empty space between starsystems near our homeworld. The investigation is still ongoing but we have gathered enough evidence and data to conclude that the labs in question are the place where the first iterations of your species were created by the Soians.”

“This way Senator.” Beryl managed to say despite her shock as she lead him to the Mizol’s cabin. “As a Listel I… know that many of my Elders would like to have access to… these labs and the data you have recovered.”

“That’s reasonable and something that can be arranged after certain measures are taken. For obvious reasons we are keeping the area and the artifacts recovered under close guard.”

“If I may ask… do you have an estimate of what the Soian tech level was? From the labs and the artifacts you have uncovered?” Beryl asked, fully believing that he would refuse to answer that.

“Somewhere between late 15 and early 16 is the current estimate of the scientists who are studying everything.” He replied and smiled when he saw her expression. “Yes, even the most advanced race in the local bubble is still primitive when compared to the empire that fell so long ago.”

Chapter 2, part 2: viewtopic.php?p=23615#p23615

_________________
My fan fics:

Looking forward to the mirror (Delayed editing)
Reforged (Irregular updates)
The Pale Horse (Completed, could use some editing)


Last edited by Guest on Tue Apr 12, 2016 7:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.



Sat Apr 02, 2016 3:42 pm
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)
Okay, transitional part was over, the story went back. And I have several questions arose:

1) Where is the conflict itself? Judging by the text, I have the distinct feeling that there is a group of old friends gathered telling bearded jokes. Lorai react uniquely strange. As psychology say, the first reaction is to something thorough doesn't fit into an established view of the world - denial. Where is it we have here? Nowhere. All around seeing Alex behave as if it is something self-for granted. The representative of the species, is incredibly similar to Lorai, with absolutely impenetrable lotai, and even the man in addition? It's don't care, all right. So he is a soldier / politician? Well, of course, that it is different what-if ... Where culture shock, rejection, a clear wonder, finally !? Here or the original idea was poorly worked out, or you're not pulled implementation. Well Beryl, self-throw failed, it happens. But the others, and especially the Blade, which is the line of duty to be distrustful and suspicious, behave like a man, very much like their own (which is the way they should be familiar with - the warriors all the same), walking across the deck of a warship - it is absolutely ordinary spectacle, and this one particular they already know a hundred years. In short, I don't believe, as Stanislavsky said.

2) Alex behaves like an idiot for enabled god mode. Of course, I don't particularly know anything about diplomatic protocols, but I don't remember, when the tip out at his companion, whom you second time in his life see, the mountains potentially critical information and lecturer subtraction him as what he is an idiot, contributed to the successful understanding. And Beryl with Blade meekly swallow it all, which is typical. Gladiolus already accumulated for a whole flower bed.

3) On the question of stalling important information: I understand, cannot waiting to paint, some people here all of a cool and innovative, but what the hell give the whole to important information story actually one of monologues and even in one chapter. Well, two. For now. Frankly, Lorai had to at least try to smashed Alex, even for regularly disrespect. A stoic Storm in this issue at all is incredible for me by default.

And no, "the importance of contact" and other nonsense that doesn't justify. For black eye and then you can apologize, especially because Alex's behavior is clearly justified this.


Sun Apr 03, 2016 8:01 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)
I unintentionally gave a hint already that something is not what it seems; suffice to say that everything you point out is intentional to the very core.

Someone who is observing from afar may have picked up something odd though.

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Looking forward to the mirror (Delayed editing)
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The Pale Horse (Completed, could use some editing)


Sun Apr 03, 2016 8:31 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)
dragoongfa wrote:
I unintentionally gave a hint already that something is not what it seems; suffice to say that everything you point out is intentional to the very core.

Someone who is observing from afar may have picked up something odd though.


So far, I see a bunch of idiots who behave strangely. And Alex's not the most stand out. As I have already pointed out, I have serious questions about the motivations and behavior of Loroi. Behavior Alex can be attributed to some far-reaching and multi-stage plans, but only partly. At other times, he behaves like an idiot, and cranky idiot. To file a story - question primarily for implementation. Serve story information for unilateral (in fact) monologues - a sign of bad taste, how to file a quest story in a text file, along with the game. Very amused Beryl, enlightening information for Alex, what he already knows, and he already once, and in her presence said straight ten times hinted. But Loroi hints poorly understood, so this dozen we will debit.


Sun Apr 03, 2016 8:48 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)
Fine, here is a hint of something that will be evident in the next part:

Idiots...

Now that's a heavy word for those who

Spoiler: show
are not in control of their own minds and bodies anymore

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My fan fics:

Looking forward to the mirror (Delayed editing)
Reforged (Irregular updates)
The Pale Horse (Completed, could use some editing)


Sun Apr 03, 2016 8:55 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)
dragoongfa wrote:
Fine, here is a hint of something that will be evident in the next part:

Idiots...

Now that's a heavy word for those who

Spoiler: show
are not in control of their own minds and bodies anymore


It looks like a crutch, not the plot twist. If people have grow into Mind Control, or still somehow to affect lorai (pheromones, for example), it is unclear why this farce sending ambassador and other dances with a tambourine. Everything you need you can get thinner and more reliable. And if it's not Alex, why do this to someone / something to do lorai such suspiciously friendly (uh huh, and Alex talkative ...). In any case, a long tongue of Alex and the lack of even a shadow of non-acceptance in lorai with the exception of the first meeting (by the way, I would place Alex seriously suspicious of this sudden change attitudes) it explains with difficulty. Strongly.


Sun Apr 03, 2016 11:25 am
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Post Re: [Fan Fiction] The pale horse (Updated: 04/02/2016)
Serious roundabout spoiler about what is to come:

Spoiler: show
Beyond the HFY and Humanity is Cthulhu there is a third trope that will permeate this story: There is no coincidence.

Senator Alexander Jardin is on Tempest because he wants to be the one who will do something aboard the ship, there is a plan set in motion whose purpose is grander than anyone on Tempest can realize on their own. Time is of the essence but for now appearances are very important.

However certain someones will pick up a scent which will be amusing for the puppet master.

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My fan fics:

Looking forward to the mirror (Delayed editing)
Reforged (Irregular updates)
The Pale Horse (Completed, could use some editing)


Sun Apr 03, 2016 11:29 am
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