[Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

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Bamax
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Bamax »

Latest chapter was entertaining. I like how Stillstorm is portrayed, although I stil think per what I know of the original Stilly (Arioch's version), it would take more than Alex challenging her to a battle of words to actually impress her.

Grsnted he was mocking the Loroi indirectly, and given what your Stilly says it would seem most fear the Loroi enough not to even imply the Loroi are barbarian warmongers.

Yet given the massive outcry after after the double genocides, I really doubt that is so in the comic verse.

I get the feeling in the comic that the most Loroi Union alien members either respect or fear the Loroi... which is more common than having both which is what Loroi wish for no doubt.

It was a bit confusing which Mizol was being referred to when Tempo (I think) interrupted Beryl's sanzai outbursr to tell her nicely to... shut up. It seemed as if an unnamed mizol was helping Tempo keep a super discreet lotai up while she eavesdropped on what Beryl tried to hide as she sent to emberwing.

Still fascinating though.

Every try to listen to fwo people at once? Impossible!

I imagine Loroi suffer with that. You think they are listening to you when they are doing sanzai back and forth so when you ask them a question they may be like,, "Could you repeat that?"

How in the world tempo can pay attention to what others say while doing sanzai I think is not possisible.

Yet I reckon she is devious enough to ask qyestions about nonimportant stuff and use the time for sanzai, all the while looking like she is paying attention to them closely.

Poker face Mizol. Seriously.

Bamax
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Bamax »

It would seem that the wager meant that whoecer survived was obligated to teach the deceased one's pupils, or prodigies, even if only one (Emberwing in this case).

So sounds like Stilly is as you implied.

Just a warrior thrown into extraordinary circumstances. She is mainly extradinary because is still alive, and n9 doubt a mix of self preservation and tactical and strategical brilliance.

She evidently is not a lover of poitics, even though it is implied in the data website that she dislikes the emperor.

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Cthulhu
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Cthulhu »

Bamax wrote:
Mon Nov 08, 2021 11:46 pm
Latest chapter was entertaining. I like how Stillstorm is portrayed, although I stil think per what I know of the original Stilly (Arioch's version), it would take more than Alex challenging her to a battle of words to actually impress her.
Well, he was impressive enough for a "pink alien man-thing" and for the fact that he dared to challenge her. How much that's worth remains to be seen. It's their display of seemingly superior technology that is truly impressive. The Loroi do not even know how reactionless drives work, since the Historians refuse to explain it.
Bamax wrote:
Mon Nov 08, 2021 11:46 pm
Grsnted he was mocking the Loroi indirectly, and given what your Stilly says it would seem most fear the Loroi enough not to even imply the Loroi are barbarian warmongers.
Yet given the massive outcry after after the double genocides, I really doubt that is so in the comic verse.
After the first genocide, there was an "interracial" outcry, which Emperor Loremark silenced by threatening war upon whoever would call for war crime trials. Nobody wanted to step forward and actually dare them to enact this, but the consensus was that the issue needed to be dealt with. It may have led to the formation of a broad anti-Loroi alliance, which then could put pressure on them. However, due to Barsam mediation, the Loroi agreed to be integrated into a Union instead.
That's what Stillstorm meant by "taming". She also might be overly self-deprecating with the whole "we are barbarians" sentiment.
Bamax wrote:
Mon Nov 08, 2021 11:46 pm
I get the feeling in the comic that the most Loroi Union alien members either respect or fear the Loroi... which is more common than having both which is what Loroi wish for no doubt.
There's also the issue of the Loroi military being the only bulwark against the Hierarchy. Infighting seems to be quite suicidal at this point. Before the war, though? Mozin seemed to detest Loroi propaganda.
Bamax wrote:
Mon Nov 08, 2021 11:46 pm
It was a bit confusing which Mizol was being referred to when Tempo (I think) interrupted Beryl's sanzai outbursr to tell her nicely to... shut up. It seemed as if an unnamed mizol was helping Tempo keep a super discreet lotai up while she eavesdropped on what Beryl tried to hide as she sent to emberwing.
Tempo wanted to make sure that the Humans couldn't read her, but sanzaing, speaking and maintaining a lotai all at once is too much, even for her. I'll try to improve that part a bit.
Bamax wrote:
Mon Nov 08, 2021 11:46 pm
I imagine Loroi suffer with that. You think they are listening to you when they are doing sanzai back and forth so when you ask them a question they may be like,, "Could you repeat that?"

How in the world tempo can pay attention to what others say while doing sanzai I think is not possisible.

Yet I reckon she is devious enough to ask qyestions about nonimportant stuff and use the time for sanzai, all the while looking like she is paying attention to them closely.

Poker face Mizol. Seriously.
That's exactly what she is doing. Her assistant is maintaining a lotai for the both of them, and she switches back and forth between sanzaing and speaking. Arioch stated that trained Loroi can have several sanzai conversations at once, so one of the Emperor's sentinels should be able to do this much, at least.
I mean, it would be a great way to leverage telepathy against any (other) aliens, where a single diplomat could sanzai with multiple (hidden) assistants, combining various talents into a super-loroi. Not with everyone at once, of course, but one could read the targets, the other go through cultural archives, a third one to compare this conversation with previous cases, etc., and then share their insights with the leading Mizol.
Bamax wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 1:06 am
It would seem that the wager meant that whoecer survived was obligated to teach the deceased one's pupils, or prodigies, even if only one (Emberwing in this case).

So sounds like Stilly is as you implied.

Just a warrior thrown into extraordinary circumstances. She is mainly extradinary because is still alive, and n9 doubt a mix of self preservation and tactical and strategical brilliance.

She evidently is not a lover of poitics, even though it is implied in the data website that she dislikes the emperor.
Stillstorm does dislike the Emperor, but she doesn't plan any rebellious actions, nor has she participated in the failed coup. She may criticize her policies, but for the Loroi who value honesty, this is considered normal. On the other hand, Greywind is a Mizol, so some Axis members may doubt her adherence to this tradition. Who knows how many opponents she "disappeared"?

The wager evolved from a rather morbid way to encourage Stillstorm to return to duty towards something more. The issue about taking care of Truesword's pupils was a part of it, but the final piece will be revealed in the next chapter. I also said nothing about Truesword's prize, since it no longer matters.

--edit--
P.S. I've refined the last two chapters a bit, and improved Stillstorm's dialogue, too.

Bamax
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Bamax »

Cthulhu wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 9:40 am
Bamax wrote:
Mon Nov 08, 2021 11:46 pm
Latest chapter was entertaining. I like how Stillstorm is portrayed, although I stil think per what I know of the original Stilly (Arioch's version), it would take more than Alex challenging her to a battle of words to actually impress her.
Well, he was impressive enough for a "pink alien man-thing" and for the fact that he dared to challenge her. How much that's worth remains to be seen. It's their display of seemingly superior technology that is truly impressive. The Loroi do not even know how reactionless drives work, since the Historians refuse to explain it.
Bamax wrote:
Mon Nov 08, 2021 11:46 pm
Grsnted he was mocking the Loroi indirectly, and given what your Stilly says it would seem most fear the Loroi enough not to even imply the Loroi are barbarian warmongers.
Yet given the massive outcry after after the double genocides, I really doubt that is so in the comic verse.
After the first genocide, there was an "interracial" outcry, which Emperor Loremark silenced by threatening war upon whoever would call for war crime trials. Nobody wanted to step forward and actually dare them to enact this, but the consensus was that the issue needed to be dealt with. It may have led to the formation of a broad anti-Loroi alliance, which then could put pressure on them. However, due to Barsam mediation, the Loroi agreed to be integrated into a Union instead.
That's what Stillstorm meant by "taming".
Bamax wrote:
Mon Nov 08, 2021 11:46 pm
I get the feeling in the comic that the most Loroi Union alien members either respect or fear the Loroi... which is more common than having both which is what Loroi wish for no doubt.
There's also the issue of the Loroi military being the only bulwark against the Hierarchy. Infighting seems to be quite suicidal at this point. Before the war, though? Mozin seemed to detest Loroi propaganda.
Bamax wrote:
Mon Nov 08, 2021 11:46 pm
It was a bit confusing which Mizol was being referred to when Tempo (I think) interrupted Beryl's sanzai outbursr to tell her nicely to... shut up. It seemed as if an unnamed mizol was helping Tempo keep a super discreet lotai up while she eavesdropped on what Beryl tried to hide as she sent to emberwing.
Tempo wanted to make sure that the Humans couldn't read her, but sanzaing, speaking and maintaining a lotai all at once is too much, even for her. I'll try to improve that part a bit.
Bamax wrote:
Mon Nov 08, 2021 11:46 pm
I imagine Loroi suffer with that. You think they are listening to you when they are doing sanzai back and forth so when you ask them a question they may be like,, "Could you repeat that?"

How in the world tempo can pay attention to what others say while doing sanzai I think is not possisible.

Yet I reckon she is devious enough to ask qyestions about nonimportant stuff and use the time for sanzai, all the while looking like she is paying attention to them closely.

Poker face Mizol. Seriously.
That's exactly what she is doing. Her assistant is maintaining a lotai for the both of them, and she switches back and forth between sanzaing and speaking. Arioch stated that trained Loroi can have several sanzai conversations at once, so one of the Emperor's sentinels should be able to do this much, at least.
I mean, it would be a great way to leverage telepathy against any (other) aliens, where a single diplomat could sanzai with multiple (hidden) assistants, combining various talents into a super-loroi. Not with everyone at once, of course, but one could read the targets, the other go through cultural archives, a third one to compare this conversation with previous cases, etc., and then share their insights with the leading Mizol.
Bamax wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 1:06 am
It would seem that the wager meant that whoecer survived was obligated to teach the deceased one's pupils, or prodigies, even if only one (Emberwing in this case).

So sounds like Stilly is as you implied.

Just a warrior thrown into extraordinary circumstances. She is mainly extradinary because is still alive, and n9 doubt a mix of self preservation and tactical and strategical brilliance.

She evidently is not a lover of poitics, even though it is implied in the data website that she dislikes the emperor.
Stillstorm does dislike the Emperor, but she doesn't plan any rebellious actions, nor has she participated in the failed coup. She may criticize her policies, but for the Loroi who value honesty, this is considered normal. On the other hand, Greywind is a Mizol, so some Axis members may doubt her adherence to this tradition. Who knows how many opponents she "disappeared"?

The wager evolved from a rather morbid way to encourage Stillstorm to return to duty towards something more. The issue about taking care of Truesword's pupils was a part of it, but the final piece will be revealed in the next chapter. I also said nothing about Truesword's prize, since it no longer matters.



Regarding Stillstorm laughing at Alex again.

You may wish I give this up, so this will be my last words on the matter.

Based on how she is written, it's obvious Stillstorm says things at times purely to see the reaction of others to it.

That is rather bold, and perhaps brash at times. While that is something Tempo would do, it is also general enough that anyone with a bold personality could also do.


If it was mocking the Loroi that initially impressed Stllstorm. I would have half expected a quizzical look from Stillstorm, since she in the comic seems less one for pretense and more one who wears her feelings on her sleeve who means what she says and says what she means. When in the comic Stillstorm said words were tools of deception I believe she meant that. Period, not simply in the case with Alex, but from her life experience of seeing people/aliens use speech to lie as opposed to more honest sanzai. I reckon Loroi are great lie detectors among aliens, and likely can sense things about them before their immedoate family does.


After a quizical look Stillstorm I imagine she would boldly calli Alex out for being rather impishly diplomatically foolish. It does not take a Mizol to realize that comment was a poor choice of words."

:"Are you mocking my people human?

How Alex would respond to that could impress Stillstorm, if it was bolder still.

Alex had an impish grin as he replied, "If I was what would you do about it?"

At that point Stillstorm staring at him before bursting into laughter were would come naturally, as well as a comment on Alex courage.

"Either you are a fool or you have some courage." would be Stllstorm's reply, to which one of Alex crew, maybe Zarjow would interject with, "Both." Causing Alex to chuckle a bit too.


I think you included the battle of words comment since Stilly bore a child from a Loroi who debated her philosophy decades ago, and though she would unlikely never tell Alex unless she grew fond of him, he somewhat reminds her of him.

In reality any debate requires a measure of boldness on both sides. So if Stilly respects anyone who will stand and fight rather than cave in to fear or pressure, then there were would be no need for Alex to offer a battle of worde to Stillstorm. Who per the comic actually has a dim view of using vocally anyway.

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Cthulhu
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Cthulhu »

Bamax wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:16 am


Regarding Stillstorm laughing at Alex again.

You may wish I give this up, so this will be my last words on the matter.

Based on how she is written, it's obvious Stillstorm says things at times purely to see the reaction of others to it.

That is rather bold, and perhaps brash at times. While that is something Tempo would do, it is also general enough that anyone with a bold personality could also do.
I'm not wishing for anyone to give up. This fanfic is meant as an exercise, and therefore, I welcome any criticism. I'll think about that part a bit more.

The thing is, fully grasping Stillstorm's character from the few lines that she spoke is not possible, and any template I came up with was rather lacking. Realizing this, I combined a few of them and developed her towards a warrior-philosopher archetype that tries to wield her fury as a weapon, while understanding the folly of such an endeavor.

Tempo, however, is neither bold nor brash, at least openly, since she's a Mizol. She might use provocation as an instrument, but I don't see it as a part of her character.

Bamax
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Bamax »

Cthulhu wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 6:28 pm
Bamax wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 11:16 am


Regarding Stillstorm laughing at Alex again.

You may wish I give this up, so this will be my last words on the matter.

Based on how she is written, it's obvious Stillstorm says things at times purely to see the reaction of others to it.

That is rather bold, and perhaps brash at times. While that is something Tempo would do, it is also general enough that anyone with a bold personality could also do.
I'm not wishing for anyone to give up. This fanfic is meant as an exercise, and therefore, I welcome any criticism. I'll think about that part a bit more.

The thing is, fully grasping Stillstorm's character from the few lines that she spoke is not possible, and any template I came up with was rather lacking. Realizing this, I combined a few of them and developed her towards a warrior-philosopher archetype that tries to wield her fury as a weapon, while understanding the folly of such an endeavor.

Tempo, however, is neither bold nor brash, at least openly, since she's a Mizol. She might use provocation as an instrument, but I don't see it as a part of her character.
In one sense writing fanfic is harder than making your own fiction, because you have to develop and expand upon established characters without deviating so such that people no longer recognize them as such.

As for Tempo, the what I meant was that Tempo would provoke someone to get reaction as a Mizol spy tactic, not that she is normally like that.

Stillstorm is rather outspoken in the comic, well demonstrating why Mizol exist to give Loroi a softer, diplomatic side, which without which I very much doubt they would be as allies with anyone let alone each other.

Diplomacy would go... rather awry if a bunch of tell you bluntly whatever comes to mind Loroi commanders were doing it.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by inxsi »

I enjoyed learning about the relationship between Stillstorm and Truesword and how it related to Emberwing.

Not really an issue, but I'm a bit surprised that Beryl was skilled enough for a direct sending.

I wonder where they are going to go with the idea of dreams lowering the Human lotai? It seems to me like they would speculate about it differently if they think it is something incompatible between the two methods of telepathy - since it would not be like relaxing a shield but more tuning a radio differently.

Minor sentence nitpick:
SpoilerShow
Since I lost that bet, I guess that it’s my last duty to Truesword to explain it all to you now.”

I think this would work better as:
Since I lost that bet, it’s my last duty to Truesword to explain it all to you now.”

although if you want a more in-comic version, it could be
Since I lost that bet, it seems that it’s my last duty to Truesword to explain it all to you now.”

(especially since it is revealed that this was part of the bet - I assume Stillstorm lives up to the reputation of being honest)
SpoilerShow

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RockB
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Typo detected in chapter II

Post by RockB »

"They do seem to be targeting the destroyers first. I would've been a problem if all" ->
"They do seem to be targeting the destroyers first. It would've been a problem if all"

You (still) want errors and typos to be reported, right?

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Cthulhu
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Cthulhu »

Bamax wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 8:47 pm

In one sense writing fanfic is harder than making your own fiction, because you have to develop and expand upon established characters without deviating so such that people no longer recognize them as such.

As for Tempo, the what I meant was that Tempo would provoke someone to get reaction as a Mizol spy tactic, not that she is normally like that.

Stillstorm is rather outspoken in the comic, well demonstrating why Mizol exist to give Loroi a softer, diplomatic side, which without which I very much doubt they would be as allies with anyone let alone each other.

Diplomacy would go... rather awry if a bunch of tell you bluntly whatever comes to mind Loroi commanders were doing it.
Stillstorm doesn't say that much, except for "it doesn't look like a warrior" and that she considers words tools of deception. The rest are orders and her telling the Shell commander to get to the point.
Anyway, originally, this chapter was longer, but since I want them to stay at about 3000 words/18000 characters each, it was shortened a bit. I'll add some of Stillstorm's dialogue back in, it was left out since I considered it too philosophic.

--EDIT--
I've overhauled Stillstorm's dialogue and used a couple of your suggestions as well.
inxsi wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 9:58 pm
Not really an issue, but I'm a bit surprised that Beryl was skilled enough for a direct sending.
I don't think that directed sending should be that difficult to pull off, and besides, it did not work anyway.
inxsi wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 9:58 pm
I wonder where they are going to go with the idea of dreams lowering the Human lotai? It seems to me like they would speculate about it differently if they think it is something incompatible between the two methods of telepathy - since it would not be like relaxing a shield but more tuning a radio differently.
The only hint they have is that something Emberwing shouldn't know about yet appeared in her dream. They have no idea whether it is an incompatibility (that's what the Humans claim), some sort of yet unknown psi-shield (voluntary or not) or an issue of tuning. Besides, since the Humans can read other races, their "frequency" range can't be too different from the Loroi. Maybe it's even a problem of two different "telepathy wave" patterns cancelling each other out? They will need to consult a specialist to make any sense of that. It would've been too easy if the medical scan showed some kind of anomaly.
inxsi wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 9:58 pm
Minor sentence nitpick:
SpoilerShow
Since I lost that bet, I guess that it’s my last duty to Truesword to explain it all to you now.”

I think this would work better as:
Since I lost that bet, it’s my last duty to Truesword to explain it all to you now.”

although if you want a more in-comic version, it could be
Since I lost that bet, it seems that it’s my last duty to Truesword to explain it all to you now.”

(especially since it is revealed that this was part of the bet - I assume Stillstorm lives up to the reputation of being honest)
SpoilerShow
Ihave checked this part, "guess" was a bit off, I guess? But "seems" is used in spoken Trade, not sanzai, therefore I went with the second version.
RockB wrote:
Wed Nov 10, 2021 11:55 am
"They do seem to be targeting the destroyers first. I would've been a problem if all" ->
"They do seem to be targeting the destroyers first. It would've been a problem if all"

You (still) want errors and typos to be reported, right?
Yes, thanks!

Bamax
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Bamax »

Cthulhu wrote:
Wed Nov 10, 2021 4:50 pm
Bamax wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 8:47 pm

In one sense writing fanfic is harder than making your own fiction, because you have to develop and expand upon established characters without deviating so such that people no longer recognize them as such.

As for Tempo, the what I meant was that Tempo would provoke someone to get reaction as a Mizol spy tactic, not that she is normally like that.

Stillstorm is rather outspoken in the comic, well demonstrating why Mizol exist to give Loroi a softer, diplomatic side, which without which I very much doubt they would be as allies with anyone let alone each other.

Diplomacy would go... rather awry if a bunch of tell you bluntly whatever comes to mind Loroi commanders were doing it.
Stillstorm doesn't say that much, except for "it doesn't look like a warrior" and that she considers words tools of deception. The rest are orders and her telling the Shell commander to get to the point.
Anyway, originally, this chapter was longer, but since I want them to stay at about 3000 words/18000 characters each, it was shortened a bit. I'll add some of Stillstorm's dialogue back in, it was left out since I considered it too philosophic.

--EDIT--
I've overhauled Stillstorm's dialogue and used a couple of your suggestions as well.
inxsi wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 9:58 pm
Not really an issue, but I'm a bit surprised that Beryl was skilled enough for a direct sending.
I don't think that directed sending should be that difficult to pull off, and besides, it did not work anyway.
inxsi wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 9:58 pm
I wonder where they are going to go with the idea of dreams lowering the Human lotai? It seems to me like they would speculate about it differently if they think it is something incompatible between the two methods of telepathy - since it would not be like relaxing a shield but more tuning a radio differently.
The only hint they have is that something Emberwing shouldn't know about yet appeared in her dream. They have no idea whether it is an incompatibility (that's what the Humans claim), some sort of yet unknown psi-shield (voluntary or not) or an issue of tuning. Besides, since the Humans can read other races, their "frequency" range can't be too different from the Loroi. Maybe it's even a problem of two different "telepathy wave" patterns cancelling each other out? They will need to consult a specialist to make any sense of that. It would've been too easy if the medical scan showed some kind of anomaly.
inxsi wrote:
Tue Nov 09, 2021 9:58 pm
Minor sentence nitpick:
SpoilerShow
Since I lost that bet, I guess that it’s my last duty to Truesword to explain it all to you now.”

I think this would work better as:
Since I lost that bet, it’s my last duty to Truesword to explain it all to you now.”

although if you want a more in-comic version, it could be
Since I lost that bet, it seems that it’s my last duty to Truesword to explain it all to you now.”

(especially since it is revealed that this was part of the bet - I assume Stillstorm lives up to the reputation of being honest)
SpoilerShow
Ihave checked this part, "guess" was a bit off, I guess? But "seems" is used in spoken Trade, not sanzai, therefore I went with the second version.
RockB wrote:
Wed Nov 10, 2021 11:55 am
"They do seem to be targeting the destroyers first. I would've been a problem if all" ->
"They do seem to be targeting the destroyers first. It would've been a problem if all"

You (still) want errors and typos to be reported, right?
Yes, thanks!
In the comic stillstorm said more than you quoted.

She said her tolerance of hypochrisy has limits and however insincere alex may be he would not find her so and if it were up to her she would- but she was cut off by the umiak attack

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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Bamax »

Just read the edits to Stillstorm v Alex.

Very much better. It flows and makes more logical sense, their dialogue. What really helped was improving Alex dialogue, since before, his comment about words being our battlefield had little impact since it came out of nowhere.

With the edit, the conversation led there so it came naturally.



You have definitely made Stillstorm your own, she is no longer merely what the comic reveals, yet I am ok with it.

As she is close enough to her comic counterpart as is. What you did was an attempt I think at giving her some depth and motivations beyond the obvious.

She is no longer a mere... rage monkey as she is depicted at times in fanfics, not that she ever really was in the comics.

She does hate lies and the shells though.

Bamax
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Bamax »

I thought this funny video kind of demonstrates in a similar fashion the difference between warrior and mizol in Loroi culture.




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Cthulhu
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Cthulhu »

Bamax wrote:
Wed Nov 10, 2021 6:29 pm
In the comic stillstorm said more than you quoted.

She said her tolerance of hypochrisy has limits and however insincere alex may be he would not find her so and if it were up to her she would- but she was cut off by the umiak attack
I know, but it's still not very much to go by.
Bamax wrote:
Wed Nov 10, 2021 9:43 pm
Just read the edits to Stillstorm v Alex.

Very much better. It flows and makes more logical sense, their dialogue. What really helped was improving Alex dialogue, since before, his comment about words being our battlefield had little impact since it came out of nowhere.

With the edit, the conversation led there so it came naturally.



You have definitely made Stillstorm your own, she is no longer merely what the comic reveals, yet I am ok with it.

As she is close enough to her comic counterpart as is. What you did was an attempt I think at giving her some depth and motivations beyond the obvious.

She is no longer a mere... rage monkey as she is depicted at times in fanfics, not that she ever really was in the comics.

She does hate lies and the shells though.
I'm glad that it made Stillstorm a better character in your eyes. Her comic depiction did not provide us with a well-rounded explanation for her apparently harsh personality. She may be difficult to deal with, but would a truly unstable officer be given command over an entire strike group? I've tried to give her some background setting to explain why she acts this way and limit her "rage potential".

Yes, I was kind of annoyed that the Loroi automatically assume that speech has to be dishonest, since it is the main method of communication for every other alien species. It may be the case for a rather young Loroi without much training in the spoken word, but an experienced commander must understand that. Therefore, Stillstorm lists other reasons why she is wary of the Humans.
Bamax wrote:
Wed Nov 10, 2021 11:40 pm
I thought this funny video kind of demonstrates in a similar fashion the difference between warrior and mizol in Loroi culture.
It's good, except that Conan is the barbarian or a "rage monkey" there, since he keeps interrupting his guest all the time.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Bamax »

Cthulhu wrote:
Thu Nov 11, 2021 8:37 am
Bamax wrote:
Wed Nov 10, 2021 6:29 pm
In the comic stillstorm said more than you quoted.

She said her tolerance of hypochrisy has limits and however insincere alex may be he would not find her so and if it were up to her she would- but she was cut off by the umiak attack
I know, but it's still not very much to go by.
Bamax wrote:
Wed Nov 10, 2021 9:43 pm
Just read the edits to Stillstorm v Alex.

Very much better. It flows and makes more logical sense, their dialogue. What really helped was improving Alex dialogue, since before, his comment about words being our battlefield had little impact since it came out of nowhere.

With the edit, the conversation led there so it came naturally.



You have definitely made Stillstorm your own, she is no longer merely what the comic reveals, yet I am ok with it.

As she is close enough to her comic counterpart as is. What you did was an attempt I think at giving her some depth and motivations beyond the obvious.

She is no longer a mere... rage monkey as she is depicted at times in fanfics, not that she ever really was in the comics.

She does hate lies and the shells though.
I'm glad that it made Stillstorm a better character in your eyes. Her comic depiction did not provide us with a well-rounded explanation for her apparently harsh personality. She may be difficult to deal with, but would a truly unstable officer be given command over an entire strike group? I've tried to give her some background setting to explain why she acts this way and limit her "rage potential".

Yes, I was kind of annoyed that the Loroi automatically assume that speech has to be dishonest, since it is the main method of communication for every other alien species. It may be the case for a rather young Loroi without much training in the spoken word, but an experienced commander must understand that. Therefore, Stillstorm lists other reasons why she is wary of the Humans.
Bamax wrote:
Wed Nov 10, 2021 11:40 pm
I thought this funny video kind of demonstrates in a similar fashion the difference between warrior and mizol in Loroi culture.
It's good, except that Conan is the barbarian or a "rage monkey" there, since he keeps interrupting his guest all the time.

I have read enough of the database and from the forums to know that virtually no alien is immune to Loroi telepathy. Some are resistant, but up till Alex they never met one who was totally blocking them.

Honesty in telepathy, and the capacity to tell if non-Loroi are lying or not plus other mind tricks, gives the Loroi an unparrelled POV regarding speech vs sanzai.

Sanzai is more honest, but Loroi do no inherently view speech as bad... just inferior and less honest than sanzai.

How many times has someone said how you doing and you may say, "Fine." When the truth is you do not want to talk about whatever it is bothering you?

That's happened to me many times.

Comic Stillstorm I think is both an example of certain Loroi viewpoints that many share, and a bit of counterpoint to Bery who seems to like Alex.

I really do not think her views on words being tools of deception means she hates using them. Only that for a Loroi, telepathy is superior, and if you are not a Loroi they prefer that you not be immune to their telepathy so they can be sure of you telling truth or lies.

Mizol can use Lotai for that. Which is why Loroi are at times suspicious of them.

Comic Alex is a giant red flag that screams suspicion because he has better Lotai than a pro mizol apparently.

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Cthulhu
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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Cthulhu »

Bamax wrote:
Thu Nov 11, 2021 8:55 pm
I have read enough of the database and from the forums to know that virtually no alien is immune to Loroi telepathy. Some are resistant, but up till Alex they never met one who was totally blocking them.

Honesty in telepathy, and the capacity to tell if non-Loroi are lying or not plus other mind tricks, gives the Loroi an unparrelled POV regarding speech vs sanzai.

Sanzai is more honest, but Loroi do no inherently view speech as bad... just inferior and less honest than sanzai.
The point is that this stance has permeated Loroi culture to such a degree, that it convinced them of their superiority and made them too arrogant. Which was one of the reasons that the Umiak onslaught caught them by surprise. If an Empire starts believing their own propaganda, then such a folly will be met with swift retribution as they slam headfirst into the harshness of reality.

I think that the loroi are also simply annoyed that their cheats are now rendered ineffective.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Bamax »

So now you see that though harsh the original Stillstorm may be, the reasons could and probably are the ones we just discussed. I hardly think Stillstorm is harsh because she is a total xenophobe, but when you are born superior, it is easy to think all others not like you are inferior. Especially when you can do what others cannot. We can understand who and why she is to a degree

Strange really... you would think the Teidar, being as powerful as they are, would develop a god-complex and try to take over... but perhaps low numbers and the strict caste system is designed to prevent that?.

The original Stillstorm does indeed show character, arguably more than even Beryl has revealed so far, since Beryl has said much about her people, but little to nothing about her own feelings besides the obvious hate for the Umiak which all Loroi share.

She did mention she did not like her homeworld, but who would?

Barren moon, hard to breath.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by inxsi »

Cthulhu wrote:
Wed Nov 10, 2021 4:50 pm
Ihave checked this part, "guess" was a bit off, I guess? But "seems" is used in spoken Trade, not sanzai, therefore I went with the second version.
To me, it read as Stillstorm being flippant about the duties she has from the bet. At the risk of discussing interpretations of Stillstorm's character, it didn't seem to fit (also it seemed to downplay the moment in the story) :)

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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Cthulhu »

Bamax wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 6:06 pm
Strange really... you would think the Teidar, being as powerful as they are, would develop a god-complex and try to take over... but perhaps low numbers and the strict caste system is designed to prevent that?.
The caste system has indeed "tamed" the Loroi.
Loroi Timeline wrote:50,000-6,000 BCE: Reign of Chaos period on Deinar; long cycle of creation and destruction of early agricultural settlements; earliest written records c.20,000 BCE.
During that era, this scenario would've been quite common. There's a population spike among the nomads, a new warlord rises up due to the resulting tensions, manages to unite a number of tribes and begins to raid all fledgling settlements in the vicinity. After a short while, his wannabe empire will either break up due to infighting, or most of them will simply starve once the looted food is depleted. Then, as soon as the barbarians will grow too numerous yet again, they'll restart this cycle, and so on for several millennia, until the caste system managed to enforce order and set up breeding restrictions.
Bamax wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 6:06 pm
She did mention she did not like her homeworld, but who would?

Barren moon, hard to breath.
Well, Beryl is far more interested in trying to combine studying it and flirting with that alien. :D
inxsi wrote:
Sat Nov 13, 2021 12:30 pm

To me, it read as Stillstorm being flippant about the duties she has from the bet. At the risk of discussing interpretations of Stillstorm's character, it didn't seem to fit (also it seemed to downplay the moment in the story) :)
I'll add a bit more of Stillstorm's reasoning in the next chapter, but she is indeed serious about tutoring Emberwing.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Bamax »

Latest chap: Firebblade is coming! This ought to be interesting.

Alex better not try any snarkiness or else. Then again, Fireblade may hesitate due to the fact that she is on a human vessel.

Beryl is actually more hyper in sanzai than she is speech... which is amusing but that is her native 'language', besides the whole thinking out loud that Loroi literally do witj sanzai.

Wonder if Ellen is going to get ticked off if Beryl tries to flirt with Alex.

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Re: [Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

Post by Snoofman »

Love how you incorporated the fearsome threesome into the escort party. Beware of the Mizols! If the humans catch on that the Mizols are snooping for information, this could give them reason to go on the defensive with their would-be loroi allies. Emberwing and her compatriots better tread carefully.

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