[Fan Fiction] Notes and discussion for "A sword that wields itself"

[Snoofman]

Ooh twist to humanity! I Can't wait to see what it is. Pity that Ember is the only survivor, than again it seems to reflect the essence of the original Outsider story.

Great writing. I wonder though if Alex and Ellen were originally a pair in the comic or would have been had Ellen survived.

[Cthulhu]

Ooh twist to humanity! I Can't wait to see what it is. Pity that Ember is the only survivor, than again it seems to reflect the essence of the original Outsider story.

Well, the next chapter will feature a reunion of sorts...

Great writing.

Thanks! Once the story is finished, I may refine it a bit. At this point, it is still a draft.

I wonder though if Alex and Ellen were originally a pair in the comic or would have been had Ellen survived.

I guess they were "friends with benefits" in the comic, since he is not too devastated about her demise, but still remembers her in a dream.

[Bamax]

Ooh twist to humanity! I Can't wait to see what it is. Pity that Ember is the only survivor, than again it seems to reflect the essence of the original Outsider story.

Well, the next chapter will feature a reunion of sorts...

Great writing.

Thanks! Once the story is finished, I may refine it a bit. At this point, it is still a draft.

I wonder though if Alex and Ellen were originally a pair in the comic or would have been had Ellen survived.

I guess they were "friends with benefits" in the comic, since he is not too devastated about her demise, but still remembers her in a dream.

Just curious, based on the battle in the previous chapters, if Stillstorm's 51st strike group of over 20 ships replaced the main cast, how would they have done?

1. Utterly crush the Umiak... because Stillstorm is not only that good of a commander, but she has well equipped ships to boot, one commanded by the Emperor's grand-niece no less!

2. Crush the bugs, sustain losses, and break through the blockade with several ships intact, including Stilly"s.

4. Only one ship makes it through, but in better shape than story. Not necessarily Stilly... and if that is so, then I imagine the whole local Umiak force is wiped out before Stilly and crew bite the dust.


So what do you think?

Would living legend Stillstorm and the 51st do better or would the Umiak be a lot more difficult than the ones she fought in the first Outsider battle?

One thing obvious about Stillstorm is that she has fought the bugs long enough to successfully guess what their intentions are behind their tactics.

[Cthulhu]

Just curious, based on the battle in the previous chapters, if Stillstorm's 51st strike group of over 20 ships replaced the main cast, how would they have done?

1. Utterly crush the Umiak... because Stillstorm is not only that good of a commander, but she has well equipped ships to boot, one commanded by the Emperor's grand-niece no less!

2. Crush the bugs, sustain losses, and break through the blockade with several ships intact, including Stilly"s.

4. Only one ship makes it through, but in better shape than story. Not necessarily Stilly... and if that is so, then I imagine the whole local Umiak force is wiped out before Stilly and crew bite the dust.


So what do you think?

Would living legend Stillstorm and the 51st do better or would the Umiak be a lot more difficult than the ones she fought in the first Outsider battle?

One thing obvious about Stillstorm is that she has fought the bugs long enough to successfully guess what their intentions are behind their tactics.

Remember, Stillstorm's group is not only twice as big, she also has far better ships. The 25th group suffered repeated casualties, yet they were not replaced, save for 2 destroyers. Since the losses on the main theater were too great, this group was not a priority, reducing it to a picket force. They did not even receive a new command ship and a proper, experienced Lashret.

A full group, especially one led by a brilliant commander, could've broken through with minor losses. A battle with the main fleet would've been a folly, since Stillstorm could imagine what this incursion, combined with the fleet-Lotai, meant, forcing her into a retreat. Especially since the Umiak would've sent an even bigger fleet against the Storm-Witch. Even that smaller group would've lost maybe half of their ships in the breakthrough, if not for that second missile salvo.
But the Umiak are not stupid, they slowly, yet steadily reduced the numbers of this "border guard", until they were ready for the wipe-out strike. While keeping up the pressure on the main frontline, of course. Remember how Beryl was utterly shocked that a fleet appeared from the Rallis vector, and with no forewarning, despite all the checkpoints? I've speculated on how the Shells may have accomplished this.

[Snoofman]

Love Fire and Fury. Excellent to give us some insight to humanity's interpersonal and international conflicts. Can't wait to see how they rose to be so far ahead technologically. While I love the other fanfics, some of them fail to address the domestic problems of Terran worlds. Facing humanity's flaws and deeds/misdeeds makes the story feel more human. More real. Keep up the good work.

[Cthulhu]

Love Fire and Fury. Excellent to give us some insight to humanity's interpersonal and international conflicts. Can't wait to see how they rose to be so far ahead technologically. While I love the other fanfics, some of them fail to address the domestic problems of Terran worlds. Facing humanity's flaws and deeds/misdeeds makes the story feel more human. More real. Keep up the good work.

Thanks, this is the first part out of three, maybe four Intermissions that will describe the development of Humanity. I've tried to keep real-world politics out of it, that's why there are no names, except for the overall region, but that's due to the setting.

SpoilerShow

The catastrophe has just begun, after all, and the geography may also play a role later on.

The problem of writing about the future of Humanity is that you can't be really unbiased. You may tend to favor your country, your favorite government form, or your favorite vision of the future. That's why a chose to randomize the whole thing, besides, this formed a somewhat unique setting. Well, at least it's not something I have encountered in sci-fi in this exact form yet.

[Snoofman]

Love Fire and Fury. Excellent to give us some insight to humanity's interpersonal and international conflicts. Can't wait to see how they rose to be so far ahead technologically. While I love the other fanfics, some of them fail to address the domestic problems of Terran worlds. Facing humanity's flaws and deeds/misdeeds makes the story feel more human. More real. Keep up the good work.

Thanks, this is the first part out of three, maybe four Intermissions that will describe the development of Humanity. I've tried to keep real-world politics out of it, that's why there are no names, except for the overall region, but that's due to the setting.

SpoilerShow

The catastrophe has just begun, after all, and the geography may also play a role later on.

The problem of writing about the future of Humanity is that you can't be really unbiased. You may tend to favor your country, your favorite government form, or your favorite vision of the future. That's why a chose to randomize the whole thing, besides, this formed a somewhat unique setting. Well, at least it's not something I have encountered in sci-fi in this exact form yet.

True, being unbiased is hard. We can only express what we've learnt and experienced and then choose which of those experiences we wish to express, either as fiction or allegory.

While exploring real politics or history can be fun or intellectual in sci-fi writing, I think it's also good to try and come up with your own stuff. One of the questions that seems to hinder me from writing is, "Is this correct?" or "How would real world policies affect this?"

Avoiding real-world politics seems a safe and creative route, especially with the scenario you've conjured up. Plus its more creative freedom. In Pacific Rim, I heard that the director of the film made the character Stacker Pentecost a Marshal instead of giving him a military rank because he didn't want the film to be military propaganda.

Write with your heart. And keep it up.

[Krulle]

Finally got around to reading this, up to the current chapter.

Thank you!

I enjoyed my time wasted here!
And time enjoyed is never wasted.

[Cthulhu]

Finally got around to reading this, up to the current chapter.

Thank you!

I enjoyed my time wasted here!
And time enjoyed is never wasted.

Thanks for reading!

Also, to all the readers: Is the pacing okay? If you think there's too much talking, not enough drama or maybe the story could benefit from something else, feel free to tell me. Currently, this is something of a draft where I'm exploring various approaches to writing. English is also not my first or second language, therefore, if you find any errors, you can tell me, too.

[Krulle]

I saw a minor error somewhere, but really, language wise it's okay.
I'm on the InterWebs, I don't come here with high expectations anyway.
And your language use, as far as I can evaluate as a non-native myself, is well within the "understandable and grammatically correct" range.
The English language has many variants in itself, British English, Canadian English, American English, Indian English, Australian English, New Zealand English,... they all have their own peculiarities, and then you have further accents.

Pacing: wonderful.
I was personally wondering a bit about the amount of pre-story (before she becomes a lone survivor), but hey, it's not my story, but yours.
(And in the end, it's simply okay.)

Drama wise it's also good, we'll see where we'll be getting.
Both sides are interested in good relations, Ember for her own survival alone.
Humans because they told her so, and any apparent lie would make Ember shut down, or report this at the height of their mission, when talking to Loroi officials.



One thing I was wondering about though, why is the Umiak scout vessel on this Human ship?
It sounded like the Humans met the Scout vessel on a different trip, and thus I expected it have been brought to bigger labs within Human space than kept on board of a high-risk, long range mission through disputed space to another superpower...

Or are the Humans so full of their prototype and themselves that they cannot imagine this ship not returning?

Well, your Alexander mentioned that the Humans may have other motives than the apparent ones....

Oh, and once you used the term "Auspex ability", but there is no reference what this may mean.
(Chapter VII - Revelations)

[Cthulhu]

I saw a minor error somewhere, but really, language wise it's okay.
I'm on the InterWebs, I don't come here with high expectations anyway.
And your language use, as far as I can evaluate as a non-native myself, is well within the "understandable and grammatically correct" range.
The English language has many variants in itself, British English, Canadian English, American English, Indian English, Australian English, New Zealand English,... they all have their own peculiarities, and then you have further accents.

Thanks, I'm trying to adhere to US English there.

Oh, and once you used the term "Auspex ability", but there is no reference what this may mean.
(Chapter VII - Revelations)

This was just a different word for Farsight, I might change it for a different one. Replaced it with Farsight

One thing I was wondering about though, why is the Umiak scout vessel on this Human ship?
It sounded like the Humans met the Scout vessel on a different trip, and thus I expected it have been brought to bigger labs within Human space than kept on board of a high-risk, long range mission through disputed space to another superpower...

Humans "collected" this ship on their way there. Since they had no idea where the actual borders were, they took a small detour through Umiak space first. Their version of farsight is very short ranged, it's only useful for checking whether it is safe to jump into the next system. Thus, they skimmed along the Hierarchy border until they ran into this scout.

I might rewrite that part if it's confusing. Reworded it a little.

Or are the Humans so full of their prototype and themselves that they cannot imagine this ship not returning?

This ship was sent out because it's about two thirds fuel tanks, thus it has a ridiculous range. It is of course not invincible, and Alex knows this.

Well, your Alexander mentioned that the Humans may have other motives than the apparent ones....

That's a plot twist that is still many chapters away...

[Krulle]

All of that became clear from context (farsight, that this ship is the one which collected the scout).
A small mention of being on a long term trip which took them along the current Umiak borders towards the suspected position of the Loroi empire might have been beneficial.

Like Imwrote, it were minor things.
Auspex was the only term that perplexed me a little, as it came without reference, and even Amber did not raise an eyebrow at the term.
I also edited both things in later, when I skimmed for the only real error I saw (which I didn't refind that fast).
But that one was a typical speech-to-text error, where words are pronounced the same, but have different spellings.

[inxsi]

I've read chapters one and two so and I'm enjoying it, though I definitely wonder why such a depleted force was still in use (particularly since they did not seem to be pursuing umiak vessels as was the case with Strike Group 51). Were they just relegated to being a picket force? And how long had the umiak been using the lotai, since everyone seemed to be aware of it?

Enjoying the writing and interested to see where it goes. I liked the detail so far on the loroi interacting with each other.

[Snoofman]

Excellent chapter. Curious though how Umiak could utilise psi tech. Everyone seems to have come up with theories of how the Umiak achieve lotai, such as captured loroi or Historian tech. But what are the odds that the Umiak have achieved some minor sanzai trick? Not as powerful as the loroi, but enough to achieve a lotai?

[Bamax]

Excellent chapter. Curious though how Umiak could utilise psi tech. Everyone seems to have come up with theories of how the Umiak achieve lotai, such as captured loroi or Historian tech. But what are the odds that the Umiak have achieved some minor sanzai trick? Not as powerful as the loroi, but enough to achieve a lotai?

Very good. Arioch said lately in the Umiak thread that Umiak grow their OWN Loroi in vats


Sure they still want to end the Loroi as rival, but I am sure they are OK with keeping weaonized Loroi powers around.

Plus body modding. Weaponized thrall Loroi brains in husks... Umiak could care less about ethics... only what is possible.

[Cthulhu]

I've read chapters one and two so and I'm enjoying it, though I definitely wonder why such a depleted force was still in use (particularly since they did not seem to be pursuing umiak vessels as was the case with Strike Group 51). Were they just relegated to being a picket force? And how long had the umiak been using the lotai, since everyone seemed to be aware of it?
Enjoying the writing and interested to see where it goes. I liked the detail so far on the loroi interacting with each other.

1. The fleet-Lotai is a very recent development, but it appeared on the main theater first (maybe a month or two ago). Here, on the secondary theater, they only heard about it two weeks ago, but it was quite difficult to believe at first. Up until a bigger, cloaked group ambushed the 25th last week and, among other things, destroyed the command vessel. I've kept the timeline somewhat ambiguous, since no exact date is given in the comic.
2. This group, even though it was called a strike group, was mostly there to guard the backdoor to Leido. Remember how Beryl was shocked as an entire khalkha division appeared from the Rallis vector with no forewarning, despite multiple checkpoints? I'm theorizing as to how this was even possible, and the 25th was the first checkpoint. Previously, the Shells have sent smaller units to test if this path is sufficiently guarded, and the 25th intercepted them. But their losses were not properly replaced, since the main frontline had priority. Finally, the sector commander, swamped with the task of finding enough ships to set up pickets everywhere in order to spot the hidden fleets, decided that even a remnant of a group is sufficient here. As long as it can send a warning if a bigger, yet undetectable group appears there, it should be good enough.

I might rewrite the chapters a little. At first, I wanted to write a "sector commander" intermission, but this would mean too many POV changes.

Excellent chapter. Curious though how Umiak could utilise psi tech. Everyone seems to have come up with theories of how the Umiak achieve lotai, such as captured loroi or Historian tech. But what are the odds that the Umiak have achieved some minor sanzai trick? Not as powerful as the loroi, but enough to achieve a lotai?

Well, but no one knows whether this ship was really cloaked or had any other "supernatural" abilities? The shard could've been a souvenir the Shell Captain had kept on the shelf.

Excellent chapter. Curious though how Umiak could utilise psi tech. Everyone seems to have come up with theories of how the Umiak achieve lotai, such as captured loroi or Historian tech. But what are the odds that the Umiak have achieved some minor sanzai trick? Not as powerful as the loroi, but enough to achieve a lotai?

Very good. Arioch said lately in the Umiak thread that Umiak grow their OWN Loroi in vats
Sure they still want to end the Loroi as rival, but I am sure they are OK with keeping weaonized Loroi powers around.
Plus body modding. Weaponized thrall Loroi brains in husks... Umiak could care less about ethics... only what is possible.

A fanfic exploring this particular path (weaponized Loroi) was already written, therefore I invented a different approach (or maybe not?). But the protagonists have absolutely no idea what this is. The only hint they have is that it does not seem to work on humans, but why? I'm not going to spoil it.

[inxsi]

I've read chapters one and two so and I'm enjoying it, though I definitely wonder why such a depleted force was still in use (particularly since they did not seem to be pursuing umiak vessels as was the case with Strike Group 51). Were they just relegated to being a picket force? And how long had the umiak been using the lotai, since everyone seemed to be aware of it?
Enjoying the writing and interested to see where it goes. I liked the detail so far on the loroi interacting with each other.

1. The fleet-Lotai is a very recent development, but it appeared on the main theater first (maybe a month or two ago). Here, on the secondary theater, they only heard about it two weeks ago, but it was quite difficult to believe at first. Up until a bigger, cloaked group ambushed the 25th last week and, among other things, destroyed the command vessel. I've kept the timeline somewhat ambiguous, since no exact date is given in the comic.
2. This group, even though it was called a strike group, was mostly there to guard the backdoor to Leido. Remember how Beryl was shocked as an entire khalkha division appeared from the Rallis vector with no forewarning, despite multiple checkpoints? I'm theorizing as to how this was even possible, and the 25th was the first checkpoint. Previously, the Shells have sent smaller units to test if this path is sufficiently guarded, and the 25th intercepted them. But their losses were not properly replaced, since the main frontline had priority. Finally, the sector commander, swamped with the task of finding enough ships to set up pickets everywhere in order to spot the hidden fleets, decided that even a remnant of a group is sufficient here. As long as it can send a warning if a bigger, yet undetectable group appears there, it should be good enough.

I might rewrite the chapters a little. At first, I wanted to write a "sector commander" intermission, but this would mean too many POV changes.

Thanks for the explanation - I wonder if I missed something when reading it, I was not thinking they were in the direction of Rallis. I think some of my confusion was thinking they were somewhere down and to the right of Leido on the maps we're used to seeing, so I was trying to figure out how that was considered a quiet region.

[Cthulhu]

Thanks for the explanation - I wonder if I missed something when reading it, I was not thinking they were in the direction of Rallis. I think some of my confusion was thinking they were somewhere down and to the right of Leido on the maps we're used to seeing, so I was trying to figure out how that was considered a quiet region.

The map is not particularly clear there, since that path has a distinct Z-axis, coming in from "above". Also, because that faraway region is not used or even fleshed out in the comic, I've simply invented the traits of each system, including the jump links. Basically, the humans skimmed along the upper boundary of the coreward flank of the Hierarchy, spotted the scout, obtained more detailed information and then decided to use this supposedly less-frequented path. The common crew-bugs were of course not informed about this whole breakthrough.
Beryl even says that this path leads to nowhere, but on the other hand, it still needs to be guarded, which means it is somehow connected to Umiak territory. Therefore, a smaller group and a few outposts should've been enough to keep watch there. The Loroi were not ready for the game-changing introduction of the fleet-Lotai and the current predicament of our protagonists is the result.

I might go through this whole fanfic with a fine-tooth comb later on and reword certain parts.

[inxsi]

I've read up to Intermission A - really enjoyed it. I'm sure the disappearance of everything in that sector is nothing to worry about

This was something I wondered about when Beryl was surprised by the incursion from the Rallis checkpoint - even if the umiak (somehow) surprised the pickets and destroyed them before they jumped to warn anyone, the farseers should have noticed the loss of life (unless the umiak had replacements life forms). Well, the mystery makes it interesting.

I liked the way you portrayed the farseer, her farsight, and her interactions with the mizol.

[inxsi]

Finished Chapter 3 and enjoyed it. I wonder how you came up with the engine disaster, but it sounded good to me. It explains some of the anger towards war profiteers. So much for the loroi calculations that the picket force would be enough to send a warning.